#048- Day's Gone By...

So I decided to write in this thing again. This piece is something I just put up on facebook so if you're reading this again. My bad.

I miss the days when Christmas was a big deal at my house. My bro, sis, and I getting excited to see family, especially all of our cousins and then getting to unwrap presents. Nowadays its just a Merry Christmas here and there followed by a lazy day of just lounging. I'm not complaining or anything, I already got what I wanted (or rather needed) for Christmas. Just reminiscing, ya know?

It's weird I wasn't even looking forward to Christmas. I was just at school working my butt off to finish everything before graduation and then before I knew it, Christmas was here. It was like I could've sworn yesterday was November something or other. Does this mean I'm finally becoming an adult?

Also while I have you here reading this, if you haven't figured it out by the crazy number of status updates I had over the past week or two. I finally finished my College Undergrad Career with a BE in Electrical Engineering. I know it took me forever and there were soo many ups and downs that I wasn't sure if I would even make it.

I want to say thank you to everyone individually but I know if I tried I would miss someone. There have just been so many people who have helped me through my time at SBU. So plz don't be mad if I don't shout you out individually.

Mom and Dad- First off just because they never gave up on me even at times when I gave up on myself.

My brother- For pissing me off but also for making me understand how stupid it would have been to quit.

My sister- For making me realize just how much my actions not only affect myself but everyone around me as well.

Ins- For understanding exactly where I was coming from and always knowing just what to say to cheer me up/help me out when times were tough.

Team Awesome- For all their support, the good times, the laughs, for giving me something to do besides work to keep me sane.

Dean- For your intellectual perspective, crazy antics, and competitive nature.

Felix- For your constant debating, fun-loving disposition, and willingness to go out and do something rather than just sit around all the time.

Bharg- For being the (other) voice of reason in our crazy group and for all the academic advice.

Cindy- For your cheesyness, your ability to get everyone together, your mastery at the art of bumming, and for always trying to include everyone in everything.

Nick- For your advice, your humanitarian side, and your mastery of the art of trolling.

Adrian- For your love of music and for caring for just about everyone.

Anielisa- For all the advice you've given me and just for listening.

Sebastien- For being there just to kick back with and just talk every now and then, I'll miss those times.

Kenneth- For being an amazing roommate and pretty much my best friend while we were on campus.

You guys had the most influence on my time at SBU and made it that much more memorable. I'll never forget all the great times I had while there. RSP, RHA, Stony Brook Chorus, I-Con, Humans Vs. Zombies, Irving Hall Council, Irving Haunted House, Roth Regatta (EVERY YEAR), Midnight Breakfasts, the amazing concerts, Strawberry Fest. Earthstock, Wolfstock, Homecoming (even way back when they had actual floats), Zombie Prom, Masquerade Ball, Dance-a-thon, Insanity nights, Cardio Party-o, Whose Line, Movie Nights, Condom Casino, stogies on the Pier, midnight runs to bagels for a booyah or mcdonalds, the se-port deli GASM, trips to Port Jeff, the parties, the Library Raves, the famous fire alarm incident, midnight runs to kelly, dinners at Benedict, fun times at the union, wandering around campus, the bamboo forest, the midnight train, our summer adventures, Dunkin Donuts runs, SEVS, Battle of UGC, man the list just goes on and on.

I'm really gonna miss these times but even more so I'm really going to miss seeing all you guys. Know that I love you all and that I wish you guys all the best and that we all stay in touch as much as possible.

Happy Holidays!

from "the brown one", "the sage", "The Punisher", "The Beast", " Jimbo", etc,

Jim

#047- Contemplating

Literally just thinking about my life at the moment or at least the people in it. I see all my friends graduating and moving on with their lives, and I wonder what I did to get stuck at this point. I see people connecting, making bonds, sharing inside jokes, and I find myself wanting a connection like that. Maybe I'm too impersonal, maybe I'm just a freak, I feel like getting close to anyone now is improbable.


Maybe I'm broken?

#046- Change

Change is a scary thing and if you don't keep up-to-date with what's going on in the world around you it can take you by surprise. That's what I'm feeling at the moment and what compelled me to write. Take the Casey Anthony case that was ruled upon earlier this week. I had no idea that the trial was going on for something like 6 weeks beforehand let alone the investigation itself which lasted 3 years and then all of a sudden I hear about a verdict and immediately afterward my facebook news feed blows up with people commenting about what a bullshit conclusion to the case it was.

One comment really struck me as odd though and what was even more shocking was it was from a friend who I previously served jury duty with a few years back. She was talking about how she was a juror for a murder trial and how she was all appalled at the verdict that was made and that just didn't sit right with me for a few reasons. First off it felt like she forgot the idea of
"innocent until proven guilty" and let her emotions get in the way of her, rather trivial, judgement. Secondly, I may have not followed this murder trial all that closely, but I doubt that all of the evidence presented to the courtroom would become subject to the public, so how can she even judge on a trial based on the circumstantial evidence provided by the news. I feel that it was definitely biased against Casey Anthony and without a clear picture and all the evidence laid out in front of you there is no possible way of making an accurate judgement.

Thirdly, i seem to remember being a juror on that same murder trial as her and there's no way she can compare the two. The one we served on was the trial of a minor who had since then passed the age limit and given the degree of his offense, tried as an adult. Also the case was about, what ended up being charged as, a second degree murder whereas the Casey Anthony trial was about whether or not it was a first degree murder. The degree of severity between the two is vast and should not be taken lightly. So ma'am, regardless of your past experience in murder trials there is no reason to believe that you are now an expert in the field. Every incident is different making every case different and cannot be lumped into one general field.

Glad I got that rant out, but this post is about change not the judicial system. Like I said it can sneak up and surprise you, sometimes even in your own home. I feel like I am VERY out of touch with my own family as of late. I don't really talk to my siblings as much as I like or should. My sister I'll call every now and then whenever she's home. But whenever all of us are away for school I just don't bother making contact. To be fair, neither do they but I don't hold that against them. Honestly I haven't talked to my brother since January when we were home for winter break, haven't seen him since because he left for summer classes before I got home.

I do feel bad about it... I really do. But we just don't really have a lot in common anymore and now that we are not forced to be together it just doesn't happen. But they still are my siblings and I do love them. Anyway as a result of the lack of communication I don't know what's going on in their worlds anymore. My brother is out doing his own thing at Buffalo and apparently pushing himself to do well while having a little fun along the way (I'm speculating). As for my sister gone are the days of this little girl who would follow us around with her short boycut. She's now grown into a smart, conscientious, and eloquent young woman and her insight into so many different interests and issues is astounding. Although all of this is from what I read of her blog, she would never tell me any of this in person and will probably change her username again if she reads this post. I always knew she would be the smart one out of all of us and here she is proving it.

In my extended family as well I don't seem to be keeping up with all the rumors going around. I feel disconnected and more alone when I'm with my family than when I am out at school and with my friends.

Like I said in the very beginning, change is a scary thing, but I feel that it's something I need to start doing in order to become a better person and get that sense of family back.

#045- Things running through my head.

This blog will probably be cryptic to anyone who reads it but I just felt I needed to write these messages out somewhere.

D- I feel like all I am is a waste of your time whenever I'm around you. Like if you're nearby and I'm not working on something I'm automatically doing something wrong. You've never once told me you were proud of me. All I ever hear from you anymore are things like "You know nothing" and "Use some common sense". Everytime I'm around you I feel incompetent and I'm sick of it. I'm genuinely more happy when you are ignoring me and praising the others. I'm done trying to win your approval.

P- You seemed nice at first if not a little bit bitchy but I wrote it off as some character quirk of yours. Everyone who had known you better than I had told me to be wary and that you weren't someone to be trusted but I dismissed that as well preferring to find out on my own. We talked and confided in each other and things were ok for the most part, then when I make 1 mistake (granted it was a rather large one) you were gone for months, then when I happen to show up to your event while supporting my friends it's all smiles again. Since then we don't seem to talk at all.

To me it feels like you're just a fairweather friend who only deems me worth talking to if it furthers her own interests in the end. I'm pissed that it took me so long to realize it, I'm just too trusting i guess. Whatever, I'm done with you and your favors, go find someone else to manipulate.

C- If I could only rewind the last year and a half or so back there are so many things I would have done differently. I'm glad I at least got to meet and get to know you a little bit before I screwed everything up. You are a smart, conscientious, and beautiful young woman and deserve someone better than an idiot like me.

I- Thing's just never seem to fall in place at the right time do they? You are probably the one person who knows the most about the real me. I am amazed that after all the things I've told you, the good and the bad, that you've still accepted me, faults and all. I've always appreciated our conversations and your sage advice. I honestly don't know what I would have done without you to talk to these last several years. I find myself thinking about you more often than not these days, probably because you'll be leaving soon. If you do see this, know that i'll miss you terribly but I'll be praying that you have fun, stay safe, and become extremely successful in the near future. Who knows maybe someday things will actually fall into place for the both of us?

#044- Something that pisses me off...

Hypocriticism

For those of you who don't know hypocriticism is: criticism by somebody (a hypocrite) who criticizes another but does the same as the person they are criticizing.

I feel like I get this shit all the time at home. Here are just a few examples.

1.) What they say: "Don't follow what anyone else is doing. You stick to your own path and don't mind what others are doing."

What really happens: "Oh she did this, this, and that and blah, blah, blah. Her parents are so proud, why can't you be more like her?"

2.) What they say: "Don't drink, don't smoke, and don't be social because in the end no one other than family will care."

What really happens: Smoking on the porch, getting piss drunk at family gatherings, and (more often than not) trying to be social while drunk only to end up getting into an argument and storming off to do some self destructive shit.

I am so fucking sick and tired of this "do as I say not as I do" bullshit. Don't lecture me on how those vices are bad for me or how much of a retard I am in comparison to the rest of the world because, unless it's genuine advice that you are going to follow yourself, I'm not listening to that bullshit.

#043- Take the good with the bad...

The bad:

So I've been on run of bad luck for the last few days. Yesterday Dad has a mini fit over the windshield, which I took to have repaired already, because he still sees the very minor crack that was made (from the inside of the car) even though it was sealed from the outside. Then he basically ranted for like 20 minutes with his point being that I'm lazy and because of it I'm a complete fuck up. At least that's what it sounded like to me. Then today when i go do my laundry, not only does the dryer not work but it shocks me as well. I tell my dad this and I see "the look" basically saying... ok what did you do this time. Like it was my fucking fault the dryer decided to stop working...

The good:

Right now I'm just looking forward to the little reunion tomorrow because I get to see most of my cousins. The I get to leave and move all my stuff to a new place or to storage for a bit. And then a week later is summer session where I don't have to be at home for 6 weeks.

The title was inspired by the movie: A Knight's Tale which I just watched.

I've come to the conclusion that I've got to get out of here after graduation. I love my family but honestly i need some space from them now.

#042- Getting Ready

Monday, June 13th

What am I waiting for?

Seeing my cousins and relatives on the 19th for this big party.

Heading back to "Strong" Island for my summer class and to see all my Seawolves.

The beginning of the fall semester and my last one at SBU (finally)

The one to find me (or vice versa)

My life to start...

P.S. Am I a dork for remembering that today's date (June 13th) is the one that was used in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? It was when Tom Riddle sucked Harry into the diary to show Harry his memory of when he framed Hagrid for opening the Chamber of Secrets and killing a Muggle?

Yeah Tom, that's what you get for messing with Hagrid... bitch.

#041- So...

Yeah I'm over it. Can't keep looking to the past and wishing for things to be different. The only thing to do now is move forward and try and make each day better than the last. Though I feel like I've learned something about myself that I hadn't realized before even though it seems to have been blatantly obvious to everyone but me. Whatever, I understand now.

Time to move forward...

#040- Thoughts to be had...(long overdue)

So in about 2 1/2 hours I became and still am thoroughly depressed.

Finding out what and how people truly think about you is a dangerous thing.

I feel insignificant.

I am ashamed at myself and my past.

I'm sorry to everyone who's had to put up with me.

I should just crawl under a rock for the next 3 weeks.

/end

#039- My summer so far.

Hey guys. So I've been home for a week and a half now and this is pretty much what's been going on since I got back (not necessarily in that order):

• Sleep
• Facebook
• Pokemon
• Mega Man
• Church
• Visiting Relatives
• Eating
• Car Maintenance
• BOREDOM

Fun summer right? Meh I never really do much anymore while I'm here since there's nothing for me here anymore. Other than my family there are maybe 2 or 3 people that I actually want to visit while I'm here. Everyone else is off doing their own things all around the country. It's amazing how far people have spread since high school. Chicago, North Carolina, California, even as far as the Czech Republic. Anyway basically I'm just here until June 25th or so when I go back to "Strong" Island, move to my new place, and start classes in summer session 2.

Oh I did make a new tumblr account so if your interested in seeing what I "stumble" upon its at http://flyboy788.tumblr.com.

#038- Random tidbits.

Ok quick post today. I saw these on a friend's tumblr and had to share.

Definitely doing this both during the summer and the fall semester.

I still don't get why people don't understand this. There's more to NY than the 5 boroughs people. 5-1-8 <3

If you like these and wanna see more you can check out my friend's tumblr here.

#037- Home again, home again...

So I got back home today. Feels weird being here after being away since January but I guess it's ok. Felt like a blast from the past actually, because the weather was exactly like it was in Stony Brook like a week ago. I always say Albany is 10 degrees cooler than Stony, I guess that translates to it being a week behind lol. The drive back was kinda long and monotonous but I had my amazing tunes to keep me company. Ran into a little traffic on Grand Central Parkway by the George Washington Bridge Exit, and then again right before the Tappan Zee Bridge. Also got a ding in my windshield which put a bit of a damper on my day but there's full glass coverage on the insurance. Score!!! :D

Now for a month to relax and do a little research/ house hunting before heading back to school in July for summer classes. I'm trying to finish in December and you would not believe how ridiculously hard it is to find a place off campus for only the fall semester.

I wanna take this opportunity to congratulate the Stony Brook Graduating Class of 2011. You guys finally made it! I'm just sad I wasn't able to walk with you guys and I'll miss you all as you go on to bigger and better things.

#036- 30 Day Challenge- Day 30

The Final Challenge: One Thing You're Excited For

One thing I'm excited for is Graduation Day just so I can see all my friends walk.

#035- 30 Day Challenge- Day 29

Today's Challenge: Five Weird Things That You Like

1.) Choral Music

I grew up singing it pretty much all the time. Sue me.

2.) Breadcrumbs on Mac n' Cheese

This S#%t is F$#(*&#G DELICIOUS!

3.)Making Toddlers Laugh

Whenever I see parent's carrying their toddlers in front of me, I flare my nostrils to see if I can make them laugh. Idk why.

4.) Paramore

Maybe this is just weird to me but I don't understand how this band has the only CD I've ever listened to where I actually liked every song on the album.

5.) School

Yeah, most people just rush through the year and want to get out of school as fast as possible. I actually like school though, (or rather the people in it) which is why I never really go home except for summer and winter break.

#034- 30 Day Challenge- Day 28

Almost there! For today's challenge it asks: Somewhere you would like to move to or visit.

Great Britain

I would love to visit the UK someday. See the famous sites like Buckingham Palace, Tower of London, and The London Eye. Not to mention I am in love with the British Accent. I'd also love to see the real old style cathedrals there and the original birthplace of the boy choir. Having sung for my choir in the States has made me appreciate the history and tradition of the art around the world. Above all else it would just be an adventure, new places to go, people to see, and experiences to be had.

#033- 30 Day Challenge- Day 27

So today's challenge is: A Quote You Try to Live By

One quote which I try to live by, and which I happen to quote to many people, is a very simple idea: "Don't Knock It Till You Try It."

It's just something I've done for awhile. Life is too short to let missed opportunities go by let alone refuse to do things you've never done or don't understand. That's why when presented with a new opportunity I try and take advantage of it because if it's something I don't like at least I can say I tried it and gained some knowledge rather than blindly dismissing it. Who knows maybe you'll discover something new about yourself that you didn't know before.

#032- 30 Day Challenge- Day 26

This one is a little interesting: Thing's You Like and Dislike About Yourself

Things I like about myself:

Smart

Friendly

That I can sing

Things I dislike about myself:

Lazy

Not that great at Video Games

Holds Grudges

I don't know, I don't like talking let alone writing about myself too much because then I feel conceited. Besides it's easier to see what other people think of me.

http://kevan.org/johari?name=flyboy788

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=flyboy788

#031- 30 Day Challenge- Day 25

So the challenge for today is: Something you're currently worrying about.

At this moment there are 2 big things on my mind. Finals and finding a place to live while I'm at school for the summer.

Finals

I've already had 2 finals and have felt ok about them, but the last one is tomorrow and is probably the most important one I'll have this semester. So I am a little scared at the thought of taking it.

Finding a New Place

As for housing, I'm only slightly worried because I need it by July, but every place i've seen has either been too expensive or too far away or only wanting female tenants. it's just a nightmare.

#030- 30 Day Challenge- Day 24

Todays Challenge: Five words/phrases that make you laugh

1.) "You sold me queer giraffes, I want my money back."

From the movie: Gladiator.

2.)"It's going to be Legen- wait for it...- DARY!"

From the show: How I Met Your Mother.

3.)"Ohhhhh, that just happened." (raises hand) "Witness"

Random stuff from Team Awesome.

4.) "He's climbin' in yo' windows, he's snatchin' yo' people up..."

Antoine Dodson

5.) "Stroke the Furry Wall"

From the movie: Get Him to the Greek

#029- 30 Day Challenge- Day 23

So for today's challenge the question is: Something that you miss...

The Cathedral Choir of Men and Boys of The Cathedral of All Saints Albany. NY

2002-2003

I miss being part of my old choir back home in Albany. There were so many things that made it worth while: Thursday night dinners with rehearsal afterward, Sunday masses, the crazy Holy Week Schedule, Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, the collective gathering of all the choirs around the area every January, Lessons and Carols, special concerts, travelling and visiting new places, going to Canada for camp every summer. I actually just missed out on a trip to England they took earlier this year. There was also the many friends I made there, the countless inside jokes we had, the antics we'd be up to all the time, and of course the music we made. The amount of time and work we put into our music is something I have rarely seen elsewhere, and I miss being a part of something bigger.

#028- 30 Day Challenge- Day 22

Today's blog: Your Academics

I guess this means all the schooling I've had up till now, hope I can find pictures of all these places.

St. Matthew's Lutheran Church and School

I spent Pre-K and Kindergarten here, there are only bits and pieces that I remember now.

St. James School

This is a picture of the church but the school was behind it. Couldn't really find any good pictures of it. Anyway I spent 1st-5th grade at the school and it wasn't really all that memorable. I remember being the odd one out most of the time. Not many good memories for me here (at least from the school). Since then, the school was closed down and later turned into a preparatory school, and the church was renamed The Church of St. Francis of Assisi.

Albany School of Humanities (P.S. 23)

I went here for 6th grade. Yeah just 1 year I know but it was because it was a magnet school and I won some lottery to be placed there. It was a fun year, I met some new friends and got the hell out of the catholic school system.

William S. Hackett Middle School

I was here for 7th and 8th grade. Not really too much to tell. It was middle school and everyone was in an awkward phase. Since then the school underwent a major renovation, mostly just the interior though, the outside looks the same.

Albany High School

I spent 9th-12th grade here. This shot is of the courtyard where we'd have lunch pretty much every day when it was nice out. Earned an advanced regents diploma and was part of the national honors society chapter at the school. Music was really the only extracurricular thing I did, there was the mens a capella group: The Troubadours, and also the mixed chorus. I also got to sing The National Anthem and God Bless America at my graduation. (So I guess I was pretty good at it.) Found out a lot about myself while I was here.

Stony Brook University

This is where I am now, it's been six years and I'm almost done with my degree in Electrical Engineering. There are way too many good times from here for me to mention all in this post. I was involved with the Residential Safety Program, Residence Hall Association, my building's Hall Council's. Animated Perspectives (the Anime Club), Stony Brook Chorale. and so many other things. I've made mistakes and learned from them here and I've made some great friends along the way who I hope to keep in touch with for a long time. These years have been the best times of my life... so far.

#027- 30 Day Challenge- Day 21

Today's Challenge: How You Hope Your Future Will Be Like

No one really knows what the future holds for them. There are very few things that I want for my own. A decent job, a nice house, the right girl, and to be able to travel to new places. That pretty much sums up what I want out of life. Maybe later on starting a family of my own...

#026- 30 Day Challenge- Day 20

Today's Challenge: Your Fears

Silence

Being Alone

When I think of my fears the first things that come to mind are silence and being alone. Music is one of the few things I live for and without it I don't know who i would be today. If for whatever reason I became deaf I don't know if I could deal with anything. Music is my escape from the real world, all the problems and worries, they just seem farther away when I'm listening to something. As for being alone... I just don't like it. I always feel better if there are other people around to enjoy the moment with. I have no motivation to do anything when I'm alone.

#025- 30 Day Challenge- Day 19

So today's challenge asks for: 5 Things You Lust After. Truth be told there isn't really much that I want at the moment but I'll try and think of something.

1.) Lamborghini Gallardo

2.) XBox 360 + XBox Live Account

3.) College Degree

4.) My own place

5.) The Girl of my Dreams

#024- 30 Day Challenge- Day 18

Today's Challenge: A Problem That You Have Had

Public Speaking

For some reason I have always had a problem with speaking in public. Call it stage fright or w/e but I can't explain it. I mean when I'm talking with friends it's fine and everything but when I get up on stage it's just that idea that all eyes are on me... it freaks me out for some reason. It also happens when I'm around a girl that I like. If I just met her or don't really know her too well I tend to be shy and kinda quiet, my mind kinda just blanks out and I can't think of anything to say, maybe that's why I prefer to listen to someone over talking.

#023- 30 Day Challenge- Day 17

Today's Challenge: Something that you're proud of.

I guess one thing that I’m proud of is my voice. Singing and music have been a big part of my life for as long as I can remember and people have always complimented me whenever just randomly sing around for the hell of it. It’s something special to me that I grew up with and a part of me that I hope I’ll never have to let go.

#022- 30 Day Challenge- Day 16

So for today's challenge it asks: Something you always think, "What if..." about.

If you know me then you know how much I really hate this question. I usually try to live by the idea, "Don't knock it till you try it." which goes along the same lines. I HATE what if's, I mean who wants to think about what could be when they had the chance to find out?

Most of my own what if's revolve around certain people. Stuff like, "What if I had done this action instead of that one, where would my life be now with this person?" These are things that run through my head incessantly, it's actually been happening quite a bit today. I guess the real reason I hate what if's is that they basically equate to regrets. Living with regrets is something I really don't ever wanna do.

#021- 30 Day Challenge- Day 15

So for today's challenge it asks: What is your Zodiac/Horoscope and do you think it fits your personality?

My sign is: Aquarius

I pulled these traits from the first website I saw:

Traditional

Aquarian Traits

Friendly and humanitarian
Honest and loyal
Original and inventive
Independent and intellectual

On the dark side....

Intractable and contrary
Perverse and unpredictable
Unemotional and detached

I think that I would have to agree that many of these traits do describe me. Friendly, helpful, honest (more like blunt), loyal, independent, intellectual. Even on the dark side some of these traits do come to mind, especially unemotional and detached. I try not to let things bother me too much but its both good and bad in different situations.

#020- 30 Day Challenge- Day 14

So today's challenge is: What You Wore Today. But since it's 2am and I haven't fallen asleep I'm gonna post down what I wore yesterday.

During the day I went to Mendy Extravaganza and while there i wore:

A Stony Brook Concerts Shirt

Calvin Klein Jeans

Nike Air Max Sneakers

Then later that night was RHA Masquerade Ball Presents: Zombie Prom where I wore:

Black Van Heusen Dress Shirt (With silver silk tie)

$300 Adolfo Suit

Bostonian Dress Shoes

#019- 30 Day Challenge- Day 13

So for today's challenge I have to write on: Your Opinion About Your Body and How Comfortable You Are With It.

I am ok with my body image for the most part. I mean I know I'm not at the peak of physical fitness or anything but I could be a lot worse off than I am now. I'm kinda big and stocky and if anything I'd want to lose some weight and it always happens during the summer because then there is more to do and I can be more active. But I'm fine with the way I look now and other than the weight I wouldn't change a thing.

#018- 30 Day Challenge- Day 12

So for this challenge I have to name: 5 Girls Who I Find Attractive and rather than make anyone jealous and naming names I'm just gonna pick famous people who I think are hot.

1.) Dianna Agron

2.) Kate Beckinsale

3.) Kina Grannis

4.) Alyson Michalka

5.) Emma Stone