#046- Change

Change is a scary thing and if you don't keep up-to-date with what's going on in the world around you it can take you by surprise. That's what I'm feeling at the moment and what compelled me to write. Take the Casey Anthony case that was ruled upon earlier this week. I had no idea that the trial was going on for something like 6 weeks beforehand let alone the investigation itself which lasted 3 years and then all of a sudden I hear about a verdict and immediately afterward my facebook news feed blows up with people commenting about what a bullshit conclusion to the case it was.

One comment really struck me as odd though and what was even more shocking was it was from a friend who I previously served jury duty with a few years back. She was talking about how she was a juror for a murder trial and how she was all appalled at the verdict that was made and that just didn't sit right with me for a few reasons. First off it felt like she forgot the idea of
"innocent until proven guilty" and let her emotions get in the way of her, rather trivial, judgement. Secondly, I may have not followed this murder trial all that closely, but I doubt that all of the evidence presented to the courtroom would become subject to the public, so how can she even judge on a trial based on the circumstantial evidence provided by the news. I feel that it was definitely biased against Casey Anthony and without a clear picture and all the evidence laid out in front of you there is no possible way of making an accurate judgement.

Thirdly, i seem to remember being a juror on that same murder trial as her and there's no way she can compare the two. The one we served on was the trial of a minor who had since then passed the age limit and given the degree of his offense, tried as an adult. Also the case was about, what ended up being charged as, a second degree murder whereas the Casey Anthony trial was about whether or not it was a first degree murder. The degree of severity between the two is vast and should not be taken lightly. So ma'am, regardless of your past experience in murder trials there is no reason to believe that you are now an expert in the field. Every incident is different making every case different and cannot be lumped into one general field.

Glad I got that rant out, but this post is about change not the judicial system. Like I said it can sneak up and surprise you, sometimes even in your own home. I feel like I am VERY out of touch with my own family as of late. I don't really talk to my siblings as much as I like or should. My sister I'll call every now and then whenever she's home. But whenever all of us are away for school I just don't bother making contact. To be fair, neither do they but I don't hold that against them. Honestly I haven't talked to my brother since January when we were home for winter break, haven't seen him since because he left for summer classes before I got home.

I do feel bad about it... I really do. But we just don't really have a lot in common anymore and now that we are not forced to be together it just doesn't happen. But they still are my siblings and I do love them. Anyway as a result of the lack of communication I don't know what's going on in their worlds anymore. My brother is out doing his own thing at Buffalo and apparently pushing himself to do well while having a little fun along the way (I'm speculating). As for my sister gone are the days of this little girl who would follow us around with her short boycut. She's now grown into a smart, conscientious, and eloquent young woman and her insight into so many different interests and issues is astounding. Although all of this is from what I read of her blog, she would never tell me any of this in person and will probably change her username again if she reads this post. I always knew she would be the smart one out of all of us and here she is proving it.

In my extended family as well I don't seem to be keeping up with all the rumors going around. I feel disconnected and more alone when I'm with my family than when I am out at school and with my friends.

Like I said in the very beginning, change is a scary thing, but I feel that it's something I need to start doing in order to become a better person and get that sense of family back.

#045- Things running through my head.

This blog will probably be cryptic to anyone who reads it but I just felt I needed to write these messages out somewhere.

D- I feel like all I am is a waste of your time whenever I'm around you. Like if you're nearby and I'm not working on something I'm automatically doing something wrong. You've never once told me you were proud of me. All I ever hear from you anymore are things like "You know nothing" and "Use some common sense". Everytime I'm around you I feel incompetent and I'm sick of it. I'm genuinely more happy when you are ignoring me and praising the others. I'm done trying to win your approval.

P- You seemed nice at first if not a little bit bitchy but I wrote it off as some character quirk of yours. Everyone who had known you better than I had told me to be wary and that you weren't someone to be trusted but I dismissed that as well preferring to find out on my own. We talked and confided in each other and things were ok for the most part, then when I make 1 mistake (granted it was a rather large one) you were gone for months, then when I happen to show up to your event while supporting my friends it's all smiles again. Since then we don't seem to talk at all.

To me it feels like you're just a fairweather friend who only deems me worth talking to if it furthers her own interests in the end. I'm pissed that it took me so long to realize it, I'm just too trusting i guess. Whatever, I'm done with you and your favors, go find someone else to manipulate.

C- If I could only rewind the last year and a half or so back there are so many things I would have done differently. I'm glad I at least got to meet and get to know you a little bit before I screwed everything up. You are a smart, conscientious, and beautiful young woman and deserve someone better than an idiot like me.

I- Thing's just never seem to fall in place at the right time do they? You are probably the one person who knows the most about the real me. I am amazed that after all the things I've told you, the good and the bad, that you've still accepted me, faults and all. I've always appreciated our conversations and your sage advice. I honestly don't know what I would have done without you to talk to these last several years. I find myself thinking about you more often than not these days, probably because you'll be leaving soon. If you do see this, know that i'll miss you terribly but I'll be praying that you have fun, stay safe, and become extremely successful in the near future. Who knows maybe someday things will actually fall into place for the both of us?