#075- Time is short...

Hey everyone, figured I would do another update here to avoid doing my work for school and let you guys know what's been going on since last time. So I started school this semester, taking some classes at the local community college and preparing myself to enter grad school, specifically for Computer Science. I've been taking a full course load of 12 credits but 3 of my classes are online. Having never taken an online class before this has been quite an experience, but I think I've been keeping up with the work pretty well so far. In truth I actually have a perfect score in one of my database classes, though I think the professor only checks to see if we have done the work he's requested and not whether it is right or not, still, I'm not complaining! The classes I've been taking are: Advanced Java Programming, Database Management Systems, Structured Query Language, and C++ Programming, effectively meaning I'm studying 3 different computer languages at once! Though it's been a bit of a struggle, with all of the assignments i'm doing and my penchant for waiting till the last minute, I think I'm still pulling all A's for the semester. Almost ready to send in my grad school application as well and hopefully I'll be accepted into the program at the school I chose.

Job hunting hasn't been going too well to be honest. I just read an article today that stated that employment for Electrical Engineers in the US has gone from 385,000 in 2002 to 295,000 at the end of the first quarter this year and that this is due to people leaving the workforce due to layoffs and retirement. Also that managers are looking for people that specifically fit their needs as they don't want to make the investment in training new hires, as well as trying to consolidate positions. I did end up going to SBU the 2nd weekend of October to attend a job fair as well as, ask for a recommendation letter from a professor,  reconnect with people I hadn't seen in months, and just enjoy a very much needed mini vacation. It was cut short however as Fri. night/Sat. morning, after leaving the campus, a deer ran in front of the car. Luckily it was a low speed collision so no one in the car was hurt. I can't speak for the deer though because it ended up rolling into the woods lining the road and while I could hear it for a little bit as it recovered and ran off, I have no idea if it's still alive now. My car ended up taking most of the punishment but luckily there was no other property damage so a police report wasn't necessary. The next morning I just patched up the car and left for home, effectively cutting my trip short. I really wish I could have seen all my friends in the city though...

Since then I've been dealing with the insurance agency and trying to get the car fixed. Although they agreed to pay for Like Kind Quality parts, my dad wanted OEM parts from Toyota, needless to say the insurance company wouldn't agree to that so I have to pay the difference out of my own pocket. Goodbye $1800, that I worked my butt off for. The car only just got into the shop last Thursday and I should get it back by the end of next week assuming there is nothing else wrong outside of what was covered in the estimate.

Work hasn't gotten any easier, people getting fired for doing the stupidest things, a whole bunch of new hires for the holiday season who are loud, uneducated, untrained, and generally don't care because their employment is only seasonal. I even got a new boss. But it's still work and I'm still making a little $$ which is keeping me sane for the time being. Though I am getting irritated that my work schedule, combined with everything I have to do for school, leaves almost no time for me to do anything else I'm invited to/ want to do.

Choir has been going well, We are slowly getting better and rebuilding the choir after losing voices to the whims of puberty and such. Actually just last weekend we hosted a visiting choir from the UK as they were touring the East Coast of the US. We were able sing a service with them on Monday night and then Tuesday they offered a concert that was both beautiful and inspiring. (Though the inspiring part came from the fact that we both saw and felt that the caliber of our music was superior to their own). Can't wait to get into the Christmas season and start learning the music for the annual concerts. Already anticipating the big night when we sing the Messiah in it's entirety again, always a crowd pleaser. In truth the choir loves the challenge and the energy that the piece brings as well. 

Other than all that the only other thing that's happened is I got a new Xbox 360... right before they release the new Xbox One and PS4 consoles for this season. I have been enjoying playing GTA 5 and Assassins Creed 4 Black Flag though I don't have much time for either at the moment. That will change once school lets out for winter break. Though I imagine my time will be completely booked come the Spring and the grad school schedule.

#074- Back to reality

So today I thought I would update since I don't have much time before I need to get to sleep in order to be awake for work tomorrow.

In the last 3 weeks I've collectively traveled over 3200 miles in 4 different vehicles (Toyota Sienna, Honda Civic, Honda Accord, and 10' U-Haul Truck) and through 7 different states (VT, NY, PA, OH, IN, IL, and WI). The last week alone I was in Buffalo, NYC, and VT and probably got like 20 hours of sleep overall that week.

I mentioned in my last post about going to WI for a baptism for my brand new goddaughter Tessa. Almost a 2000 mi round trip exactly. It was very long drive for what feels like such a short road trip but experiences were had and memories were made. I got to see my cousins, who grew up in FL, for the first time in 7 years. A lot has changed since that wedding in Boston the week before my freshman year, and half the time it felt like we were strangers to one another trying to catch up on 7 years of news but by the end of our visit a new bond had been created and my extended family just got a little bit closer. Also while out there we had an extra day which we spent going to a casino where I ended up winning $150 playing blackjack.

Last week was full of preparation, packing, travelling, as well as some sudden and upsetting news. On Wednesday the 21st my family and I traveled to Buffalo to drop off my sister at UB for the start of her pharmacy degree. The beginning of the week leading up to that was packing and preparing for both her and my brother (who had also decided to go the pharmacy route but in VT, more on that later). That day was a 600 mi. round trip drive and we made the trip out with 2 cars, my trusty Honda Civic (Michelle) and my brothers' Honda Accord. Sadly once we got there Michelle and I had to part ways so that my sis had reliable transportation to her classes and clinical rotations. So we said our good byes and then headed back home again stopping off at another casino on the way where I fared even better and won another $300 at blackjack. We ended up getting home early Thursday morning.

Not much happened on Thursday, I caught up on some sleep, went to Best Buy and got a new laptop using the money I won at the casinos to pay for half, and helped my brother get his furniture together to take to VT so he could start his pharmacy degree there. That night however my family received some disturbing news that my Ammachi's (Grandma's) health was failing and that she didn't have much time left. I didn't get much sleep that night and then still had to go into work that morning. I learned later that day (by text) that she had passed away around the time I had started work (2am EST, 12:30p IST). When I got home after work my dad had already booked the plane ticket, so I caught up on some sleep while Dad finished packing and around 3pm we all got into the Accord and drove down to JFK Airport to see him and my aunts off on the plane to India (with a connecting flight in Abu Dhabi). That ended up being a 300mi round trip drive. On the way back my mom, brother, and I were trying to figure out how to get all his furniture to VT since we were planning on taking a U-Haul up the next day but Dad was initially supposed to drive. I ended up agreeing to drive the truck out and hoped I wouldn't be too tired. After we got home I went to bed for a few hours and then left for work while they sorted out the details with the truck.

Work wasn't too bad and I got home at 7am showered and passed out by 8am for a few hours before being woken by my brother saying we had to drive 40ish miles to pick up the truck we were using. Apparently there were no 10' trucks in Albany available for the amount of time we needed. So we drove out and on the way I looked up everything I could about driving a 10' U-Haul and basically gave myself a crash course in truck driving. We got to the rental place on time and did all the paperwork (which felt a lot like selling my soul to be honest) and then I got into the cab of the truck... with my mom. She is a brave woman for getting in the truck with me knowing it was my first time driving something so big. But the drive back to Albany gave me a chance to get used to the U-Haul and I found that it didn't feel much different from driving the minivan aside from the longer back end, the lack of a rear view mirror, and the extra weight which meant driving slower and breaking much earlier. I was pretty cautious but by the time we got back to the house I was feeling more confident about driving to VT.

So we loaded up the truck and tied everything down, had some lunch, then my bro took off right away in the Accord so he could get to the campus and get the key before the office closed for the day. Mom and I left about 30 minutes later. The drive there was pretty uneventful for the most part, just small talk with Mom, getting more confident with every mile, and following the GPS. Leave it to apple maps to screw up the trip. When we got close to Lake Champlain the GPS route had us stay in NY and follow along the coast up to a ferry. My brother ended up taking the ferry across to VT but since we had the U-Haul and didn't want to risk losing it at the bottom of the lake, Mom and I drove back down and around  to a bridge we could use to cross into VT. That detour ended up taking us 60 miles out of hour way and with only 260ish miles total given, we were worried that we might go over. Luckily I was able to find a fast route down and around to the bridge rather than rely on apple maps to guide us.

Once we got into VT the scenery was gorgeous: forests, hills, and open spaces as well full of beautiful foliage and all right around sunset. I was sad that I couldn't take any pictures while I was driving. Anyway we got to the campus without any more hiccups and unloaded the furniture into the apartment. We then went to find the drop off point for the U-Haul stopping to fill up the tank back to the level we started with. Once we got there we had only 7 miles left on the truck before we went over. The trip itself is only supposed to be 150 miles, that means 260 - 40 (rental place back to Albany) - 150 (trip distance) - 7 (extra) = 63 extra miles because of the GPS being stupid. Thanks Apple -_- . We then all made our way home with the trip ending up being about 360 miles total.

Went to church on Sunday and prayed for Ammachi's soul and then went to work that night/morning and started my classes on Monday. I only have to go in for one class on Mon, Tue, and Wed as my other 3 classes are all online. My family also attended Ammachi's wake via Skype so I saw her for the last time between 8/26 and 8/27. She was buried at 2pm IST on 8/28/13 which would have been 8/28/13 at 3:30am EST for me.

So that is how I spent the last month of my summer aside from working and sleeping a lot. Today my brother left for VT for orientation. The rest of my week has been spent in classes reviewing past material, going to work, and getting textbooks and programs together that I need for my classes. I was proud of myself today for getting all of my textbooks for free online in PDF form. It's amazing what you can find on Google nowadays.

I don't really know how to feel about Ammachi's passing. I am sad that she's gone, although there was always a language barrier between us I could tell she still cared about what happened to me. She was also a big part of what kept my family together especially when Chachen (Grandpa) died almost 10 years ago. I just hope my family doesn't decide to spontaneously fall apart after this.

Now I have to buckle down and get these classes done, study for, register for, and take the GRE. Get my recommendations together, send in my transcripts, and apply for the Comp Sci MS program at UAlbany... hopefully with a little luck I'll get in this spring. Even better, that I find a stable enough job where I don't have to go back and get a Masters Degree.

Until next time...

#073- Not all who are lost, wander...

So it's been quite a while since I've written anything down here. My life isn't really all that interesting to me so I don't get inspired to write about it too often and then when I do it's usually negative. But here goes anyway.

I've been consumed by a constant schedule/rhythm for most of this summer: Work, shower/sleep (in either order), look for jobs, nap, work. With the back to college season coming up my shift went from 4-9a to 2-7a in order to accommodate for the extra time needed to unload and stock all the extra merch. Then on top of that I would be asked to stay after shift for extra hours in order to help finish whatever we couldn't get through during the normal shift. This helped me get to nearly 40 hours every week for the last month or so and my bank account was very happy for that although it's cost me most of my summer vacation. I wish I had taken the time to go to NYC and visit friends and family. The only other thing of note that I've done was head up to Wisconsin for a weekend for a baptism. I became a godfather to my cousin's 2nd daughter, Tessa.

Still it could be worse, I'm at home with family, a roof over my head, food, clothes, and at least have a job (which is better than a lot of people could say at the moment). At the same time though I get more and more depressed as time goes on and my peers keep moving on with their lives. I feel like something is wrong with me and I'm stuck with no idea where to go. Lately I've been going through the motions to take a full semesters worth of comp sci classes at the local community college and then applying for the Comp Sci MS program at UAlbany for the spring. Meanwhile my sibs are both starting pharmacy school this fall. 

I wonder where our lives will end up in the future...

#072- Broken home...

I know I keep saying my family is broken and don't elaborate, but it is somewhat of a sensitive and private matter. I don't really want to get into detail here but I'm tired of fighting tooth and nail with my parents over things that should be simple matters, I partly blame my father's pessimistic outlook on basically all of humanity, for the dark side of my personality. There is no real love in this house anymore, there hasn't been for a long time now. I'm really hoping my siblings get out as early as possible. I feel like a poor monetary investment more than a person at the moment.

#071- Fucked...

Well I feel like shit now. In the last 2 weeks I managed to lose two of the greatest people in my life due to stupid decisions and poor words and right now I feel so much more lost than usual. The worst part of it all is knowing that it was totally 100% my fault and that I can't travel back in time to stop myself from being such an asshole. I have no idea what to do now... 

#070- Stuck...

I don't know what's wrong/ going on. It's almost been 18 months since graduation and I still haven't gotten a decent full-time job to start my career, not even an internship or low-level job to work up from. I've barely even gotten any interviews... Maybe it's something I've been doing wrong? Maybe I'm not selling myself or my talents correctly? Idk. Something needs to change and soon, and today I'm going to start with my resume. If anyone has any tips or advice for me now would be a great time for them. Here's to hoping for a better future.

In other news, choir season is winding down for the summer. It felt good getting back into singing again for real after going so long without it. Idk how long I'll keep up with it but it's good to know that the choir will be there for me. I've been contemplating on going back to school for real and getting a masters degree in something (probably comp sci). I know I mentioned it a few posts ago but I thought I'd elaborate on it a little more. So like I said before idk if ill be able to get in to do a masters directly. I'd like to but the way my transcript is I don't think it's possible. If that doesn't work out I would think my next course of action would be to apply as an undergrad transfer student and then hopefully get into the combined b.s/m.s degree. Then hopefully only have to take the major's core classes and electives and skip all the general education stuff since i already went through that. I figure if I can do that then I'd be done in 2 1/2 or 3 years. Still not sure if it can even be done though... I guess now I have to go to the school and talk to the advisors to see. Ideally though I'd rather just start working and not have to worry about even MORE school. Ugh...

#069- Chewed out...

Just got a stern talking to from my father about where I'm headed. It's been over a year now and I still haven't gotten my career started. This all came about with my brother and sister heading to interviews for pharmacy school. I feel stuck, on the one hand I don't think I can even apply for a master's in anything I want, but on the other I cant find a job with my bachelor's degree. What the hell am I going to do???

#068- Happy Easter?

You ever have that one friend that when you go out they always manage to drink waaaay too much and then proceed to embarrass both you and themselves? For me that's my dad. He just can't seem to say enough when it comes to the liquor and I'm really getting fucking sick of it. What's worse is my mom is usually the one who has to deal with his bullshit and drag his ass back home.  Today it was at an Easter Dinner. Way to ruin another family holiday dad...

*Edit* This blog is such a downer I didn't even mention all the positive stuff that happened. I sang with the choir in the cathedral all through holy week. I received a bottle of merlot as a gift. After the service on sunday a smaller section of the choir (myself included) went to visit a former bishop who was recovering in Albany Med. We sang the music we did earlier that morning since he was unable to attend mass during all of holy week. Definitely made his day and made for some emotional moments. Later got to see some family and have some of my aunts amazing baked chicken.

#067- Slump...

So this last weekend which was supposed to be pretty fun ended up being kinda shitty. I won't go into details here but my fam is a lot more fucked up than I realized. Then I lost some money at a casino which only added to how down I was. Finally I got hit with some news earlier this week that really upset me. Like seriously I hadn't felt pain like that in 3 years and it killed. I need to reevaluate my decisions and start taking steps toward making myself happy rather than pleasing everyone else, because it's come to the point where I would rather sit at home alone than go out and live life. And that is just no bueno...

#066- Self-Contemplation...

So in the last few weeks I've realized a few things about myself (relationship-wise):

- I really do have the worst timing in the world...

- Apparently, as told by a female friend of mine, I'm more desirable than I previously thought...

- I'm terrible at picking up hints...

- I need to stop chasing after who I think is "the one" and just let her come to me...

Maybe it's because valentine's day just passed but the whole idea of relationships, which I once thought were so complex, has become even more so...

At the same time though it is a bit of an ego-boost to know that I have a bit of an edge and some girls actually find me cute.

Maybe I need to pay more attention...

#065- Regrets...

You know what sucks?
-Losing touch with old friends from your past.

You know what sucks more?
-Losing touch with old friends from your past and then finding out about big events you either missed or are missing out on like weddings, anniversaries, receptions, etc.

High School was never a great time for me. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't terrible either, but when I wasn't in school I spent most of my time in my room. Having over-protective/over-bearing parents, I wasn't allowed to do most of things that most teens in the U.S. would go through. Joining sports teams, going out to parties, date, I didn't even go to my own prom. It wasn't really their fault, this is just what they knew, growing up in India I'm sure they were never exposed to any of that, and if they were then they were very good about keeping it from me.

So now here I am almost 10 years later... and honestly I would be fine right now if it weren't for things like social media. I'm still connected to all these people from high school, and hearing about people getting married and having kids and it makes me sad that I didn't make more of an effort to keep in touch. I hate that I was so sheltered as a teenager. I think that's probably why I resent being in this house still. While I'm grateful for the roof over my head it remind's me too much of high school and just a time in my life I would rather forget.

#064- Time...

A year older, another 100 friends on facebook, about 130 status' lighter for my birthday. Quality over quantity seems to be the current theme running through my mind. I think it may be time for me to pick and choose who to stay connected with. I guess it doesn't help that my twitter got hacked at some point and I somehow randomly picked up 100+ ppl that I was following. I just looked at my twitter feed one day and was like wtf... who are all these people. Had to change my password and all that and then go through and get rid of all those random ppl. Luckily I didn't lose the ppl I was actually following to begin with.


Yesterday had me thinking a lot about where I'm trying to go in my life and brought up a few past conversations. I've been told that I lack motivation, and while the idea pissed me off at first, after thinking about it for a bit I realized that for the most part it's true. I feel like my life would be content with a good job, living close to friends, and having a good woman on my arm... and maybe some kids. There's not really much more that I want than that. At the same time though it feels like my lack of motivation means there's something wrong with me, like at my age I should be trying to break through barriers and just do more than be average.


What do you think? Is average fine or should I be trying to do something more with my life?

#063- Word vomit...

It's been over a year now since I graduated. I have been talking to people and while I know the economy sucks, taxes are rising, and the general trend seems to be finding a job about 18 months after graduation. I feel like I should have gotten something by now after earning an Engineering degree, or at least more offers/interviews than I have. I'm starting to feel more worthless by the day and even though I'm working a small part-time job. taking classes. etc I still feel stuck. It's a big catch-22 also since most places are like we need someone with more experience, and bear in mind this is for an ENTRY level position. Like whats the point of looking for recent graduates then? I know this sounds repetitive and blah blah blah but there it is.

So I made a checklist of things that I want to do by the year's end, no they are not resolutions, but I felt like having a to-do list would at least keep me focused on what needs to be done. I'll probably keep adding to it anyway.

So far what I have down is:

• Find a real job or at least an internship.
• Get my own car.
• Move out.
• Get better at the Guitar.
• Read at least 6 books if not more. (not including textbooks)

I thought about putting down something about losing weight (since I get so much s**t at home about it) but honestly I am ok with how I look at the moment. I actually weighed myself yesterday just for kicks and came out at 207.5 lbs. Although that may seem overweight to some people it's actually a lot better than what I used to be at school (roughly 220) and that's mainly due to the workout I get at my job. Also bear in mind I'm not trying to get lean or anything and I find just exercising pretty boring. I'd much rather get into a team sport like basketball, volleyball, etc. or maybe play some handball for old times sake.

What else is going on? Hmmm I got a 4.0 last semester which was pretty boss, and was placed on this thing called the president's list. It was only for 2 classes at the local community college (which felt ridiculously easy) but the recognition still felt nice. I'm taking 2 more this semester and will go for a repeat performance of course, but I hope that after this semester I won't have to do classes anymore.

Speaking of performances, choir has been going pretty well. I had a couple of solos the last 2 times we performed which was a pretty big deal to me since I haven't really had a solo since my voice changed like 7 or 8 years ago. For some reason though it felt like relearning how to sing for the first time. That whole stage fright feeling... I had some trouble dealing with it honestly, but my director helped me realized that I was over thinking too much about the performance and how people would react rather than focusing on the music itself. Just him pointing that out to me helped me out so much, probably more than he knows.

I feel like all the stress and negativity over the last few years just from school and the whole trying to break out into the real world and be an adult thing have changed me to a point where if I looked back at myself in the mirror 10 years ago I wouldn't recognize the face in the mirror. Once upon a time I used to be so much more energetic and happy and just full of life. I miss my old self and although I don't regret the time that's passed, the experiences I've had, or the amazing friends I've made, I wish I still had that more upbeat and positive attitude which probably came from a combination of youth and lots and lots of caffeine.

#062- The new year...

Ok so barely a week into the new year and it's already been the worst week of my life. I don't even want to go into details or think about it... yeah it's that bad. Anyway I hope this isn't a foreshadowing of things to come because if it is then I really don't want to live on this planet anymore...