#061- What to do?

Today, less than an hour ago, my father said something that I don't think I'll ever forget. Among those things he called me useless... It's a terrible notion, feeling completely worthless to someone, but when it's someone who's supposed to always be there to encourage you...? What do you do with something like that? Honestly if I achieve nothing else in my life the one thing I will NEVER do is become like my father. And if I do end up making something of myself he better not have the gall to try and take credit for it, he forfeited that right less than an hour ago.

#060- Confidence...

     Today was an ok day for the most part. Nothing to out of the ordinary, work early in the am, a 3 hr class after, a nap, and then choir rehearsal. However some of the events between the end of rehearsal to now kind of really brought me down and I had to get my thoughts out somewhere. So for me, part of my identity has always been about music, specifically singing and performing usually with a choir. Tonight we were going through our music for the next few weeks and quite a few of the older voices were either given or offered solos for various pieces. I noticed though that I seemed to always be the last person even offered a solo.
Then on this one piece the tenor who was given the a solo was having trouble because the range of notes were around the breakpoint in his voice.
     The director then asked me to give it a shot and when I did he asked me to sing out more in order to hear the solo part over the rest of the choir. Now the solo part was also around the breakpoint in my own voice but my voice was a little stronger so that I thought I could cover it but as for making the solo louder I don't think the director realized it but I was near full voice when I did the solo. Just the fact that I was having trouble with such a simple part got me down a bit.
      Also while at rehearsal I was talking with one of the men about the job situation in Albany for engineers at the moment and he was telling me about some places looking to hire and then asked whether my GPA was at least a 3.7. I told him about how it was lower than that and how that was part of the reason why my job search was taking so long but just having to admit that hurt both my ego and my resolve on the whole job search endeavor I've been at for the last several months. It was just discouraging, ya know?
     Then after coming back from rehearsal I went on facebook in order to see how my friends from school were doing and I saw a post that ended up talking about how confidence was key in an interview to land a job and the resume isn't really worth much except to get the interview. I realized that in my interviewing attempts I may not have come off as confident and that perhaps that may be why it's taking me so long to land a position.
     So now I'm sitting here thoroughly depressed at my state of affairs, realizing that I'm not as good at music as I once thought, worrying over whether I'll ever get a real job... I'm just very low on confidence and self-esteem at the moment.

Maybe I'm just not good enough...

#059- STRESS it's a killer...

So on Sunday my cuz from Westchester came up to visit because she has also just graduated and is looking to start her career as well soon. At the moment she has some free time though and wanted to come up to see the Giants Training Camp thing that goes on at UAlbany over the summer. We had some fun catching up and going to the camp and then to the Pump Station later for a late lunch/early dinner. Then after she left, the facade of having a normal family dropped and s*** got real. Dad called me and my bro over and then told us that we either have to put in a minimum of $1000/mo for the house and our expenses or surrender our paychecks over to him in order to keep living here in the manner we are now. Needless to say i was pissed but at the same time I knew where he was coming from. I kept a running commentary of my thoughts on paper while all this was going down and thought I'd share what I wrote:

• Tensions are high here
• I hate when dad's angry
• Mom's getting fed up as well with our lack of progress
• I'm still waiting to be kicked out
• My brother has a big ego and a bigger mouth
• There goes my $$, I'm losing my paycheck
• I need a real job.

Yeah not really descriptive I know but my thoughts were scattered all over and I can't take being here for much longer. 

Anyway aside from that I got a call about another job offer on Monday morning as well. It's a full time position but only for 3 months or so working on a single project for Roth and Rau repairing 300 robotic machines for Global Foundaries. I NEED this job to keep me going and for the experience on my resume. I feel like if I can land it, my luck and my situation will finally turn around.

Good bye whatever semblance of a social life I have left...we had a good run.

#058- Post Cruise High...

Hey guys. So I mentioned in my last post that I was going on a cruise in the near future. Now that I'm back I figured it was time to share my experience and also this way I can just point people who ask, to this link so that I don't have to retell it 1000+ times. Anyway here goes...

The cruise was a 6 day 5 night excursion, from August 1st through 6th, on the Carnival Glory cruise liner from New York, NY to Saint John, New Brunswick and Halifax, Nova Scotia... basically Canada. Anyway the morning of the first I woke up at 5:30a on the 1st thinking that we would be heading out at 6 because dad was going on and on about not being late and i'm just punctual like that. Didn't end up leaving till like 8 so needless to say I was a little pissed about that, thank god my brother said he would drive though. Anyway we drive down most of the way, with my dad commenting and getting irritated at my brother's driving (he has a "lead foot" ) so I took over just before getting into the city. Then we had to deal with some morning traffic because, c'mon it's NYC. Anyway after all of that we finally got to the Port of NY and boarded the ship around 11-11:30.

After lunch we explored the ship a bit before finally setting sail around 5, it was misting outside but there were still a lot of people out on the deck watching as we sailed away from the port and got our last few glimpses of the city before heading out to open water. I got shots of the Empire State Building, the Freedom Tower, and the Statue of Liberty. That is the closest I have ever been to the statue actually. Most of the first day was then spent exploring the ship and finding out where everything was, attending the opening ceremony for the convention we were a part of, and then going to dinner. My sibs actually found 1 or 2 people they knew from school on the cruise as well and then from there we started meeting friends of friends and so on so by the end of the night there was a small group chilling out in the room my brother and I were sharing. We ended up going through 2 bottles of Jack that night just getting to know each other. 

Day 2 was spent all day at sea and started off with breakfast with mom and dad. It was pretty foggy that morning and stayed that way all day.After breakfast we then went to a youth forum for the convention where we heard from Ambassador Sreenivasan and Mr. K.P. George (a politician). The ambassador talked about his career and what he was working on now with the development of education in India while Mr. George talked about how there were so many Malus in the states but none were taking an active role in careers outside of medicine and engineering and therefore keeping our exposure as a somewhat substantial part of the population relatively small. After that we just kind of did our own thing on the ship because the convention events weren't very exciting. Mostly ended up walking around enjoying all the great food, meeting people, playing some card games, and hitting up the Casino on deck 5 that night. Then it was back to the room with the new friends we made for another night of partying, We ended up polishing off a bottle of rum with more good conversation. Then we went to the 24hr pizzeria before calling it a night.

Day 3 was where we made our first stop at port in Saint John, New Brunswick. That day was very foggy as well. We had breakfast with mom and dad and then disembarked for the scheduled bus tour we had around the town. Honestly if you ever go to Saint John, it's ridiculously boring. There are some interesting historic facts but mostly it was a big port town with major shipments coming in and out back in the old days, and then there was a fire that burned a lot of the town down. Then they rebuilt and soldiered on. Other than that it was a sleepy little town and there really wasn't much interesting about it. Needless to say the bus tour kinda sucked so after that we just went straight back on to the boat instead of exploring the town. Later that day we went to another convention event which was basically a beauty pageant that ended up being very one sided because out of 8 or 10 contestants only 3 actually showed up. Not much of a pageant actually but at least it was short. Then we had dinner later and hit the casino up again. Pretty much did the casino thing every night we could actually. Didn't end up partying that night because we had another shore trip the next morning.

Day 4 was the first day we finally had some sun on the trip. That day we made our second stop at port in Halifax, Nova Scotia. From the boat the city looked a lot better than Saint John but of course we had another prepaid bus tour to go on. This time it was to Peggy's Cove where we would explore and go on a Whale Watching trip. When we got there though (which took 45 minutes btw) and got on the tour boat, we found out that the tour was actually only a boat tour and that there was only a chance we would see any whales because they sometimes follow fish into the cove. Needless to say the entire boat of brown ppl got pissed and started being extremely rude to these people when it was either the cruise line or the travel agents fault over the mix up. I had never felt so ashamed to be Malu until that day. We didn't see any whales btw only some lobsters and crab. The only thing I came back with from that trip was a headache from everybody being complete a$$****s. I got off the tour bus as soon as I could and my sibs and I walked along the boardwalk where apparently there was some kind of festival going on to celebrate the city's birthday. So there were all these buskers (street performers) around doing acts and asking for $$. Halifax seemed like a pretty chill city and it was too bad we went on the stupid tour and didn't have time to explore more. Went back to the ship for dinner again with friends and then the casino once again. After that was going back to the room again, this time for a bottle of  Courvoisier, then the pizzeria before calling it a night.

Day 5 was our last full day on the cruise ship and a full day out at sea. The sun was out and there was much fun to be had. We all spent the day eating, walking around the ship, playing card games again, watching the carnival glory events like dancing on the deck. Then after all that I went to my room and packed up as tomorrow we would be leaving the ship early. After that I ended up not going to dinner as I just wasn't feeling it. Instead I went and got something small to eat and then hit up the casino because it would be the last time I could while we were still in international waters. After the casino I went back to the room to find that everyone had polished off a bottle of Old Fashioned by the makers of Jack. We then went and hit up White Heat, the 18+ club on the ship. At first we were wary because it looked pretty lame the other nights we passed by, especially with all the older creepy indian guys around there, but when we finally got in, the club was poppin'. When the party was over the after party was at the pizzeria and it was here that we all exchanged our numbers and made our final goodbyes because by then we had already docked in the Port of NY and disembarkation was at 8am.

Day 6 pretty much just us getting up and leaving the ship and then the long drive back home. But on the way we all kept getting texts from all the new friends we made. To Britzy, Sherin, Shawn, Tobin, Jason, Steven. Nithish, and Sarith you guys were what really made this cruise great for me. FOMAA 2012!! Get Hype!! Hopefully I'll see all of you at the next one in Philly.

Anyway that was pretty much the whole trip. Spent a minimal amount of time with my parents and I think they enjoyed that as much as my sibs and I did.

#057- Eh...

Hey guys. So today I was actually very surprised with what happened. Had work early before the buttcrack of dawn as usual and afterward got back home and slept for a bit. When I woke up my sibs asked if I wanted to go to the mall. Now this was a very surprising shock in itself to me because usually it feels like they never want to do anything with me. So being asked to go to the mall... yeah pretty big deal,  to me at least. Spent the day mostly looking for stuff before the cruise we are going on this week.. I also decided to pick up a copy of Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3 just for kicks.

As soon as I started playing the game I was bored but I tried to play it through arcade mode just to give it a chance. Got to the final boss on normal difficulty but after getting my butt handed to me twice I just gave up. Then I tried to play online just to see what would happen, I played only 1 match against my opponent and did relatively well (for being a noob) but still lost. Then I just shut it off and left. I don't know why but I don't really have much interest in this game. It seems to be more about just memorizing combos for specific teams of characters over anything else. It's really nothing like say street fighter or tekken. Maybe I'm finally starting to get bored of video games, or maybe it's a by product of how I've been feeling over the last few days either way I don't like this blahhhhh feeling. Hopefully getting away from home for a few days will pick me up.

#056- [Insert title with a gratuitous amount of expletives here]

I may look calm on the outside but  I'm raging so hard inside right now it hurts and there's nothing I can do about it. This is one of the few reasons why I try and distance myself from an ex. F%$K!

#055- Agh...

I swear I am such a f*****g idiot! Why the hell do I try and play therapist/advice columnist for everyone even when it starts to kill me inside a little. I don't know why I put myself in these situations...

/rant

#054- Ugh my head hurts.

Today has been a very trying day. My dad just exploded over money issues and how my brother and I should be out of the house and on our own supporting him and mom by now. I'm starting to get stressed out because as each day comes and goes his argument behind this line of thinking grows (or seems to grow) more valid. It's been 7 months since graduation and I've yet to get a full-time position based on my degree and education... I know it's taken some people longer to start their life and that I am still young but every day I feel more and more like a failure and when I'm not applying for jobs or studying for the GRE, I'm watching videos, listening to music, playing games and just focusing on anything else so I don't break down from this trapped feeling I have here. I just want a REAL job so my life can start and I don't have to deal with this pressure from home anymore.

It doesn't help that my brother has just recently fallen into the same boat but what's even worse is that he is just as argumentative and stubborn as my father. Neither one can end an argument without either being right and proving it 50+ times afterward or having to be proven wrong the same # if not more times and (with my brother at least) turning the situation around so that somehow, someway, you end up feeling completely stupid and humiliated for even thinking you could open your mouth to argue a point with him. There's no talking to those two because their stubbornness is tantamount to a brick wall.

My family feels broken...

#053- Summer 2012 Update 1

Hey y'all... Nope I can't pull the word y'all off, it just doesn't feel right to me. Anyway hey guys, this is just an update on whats been going on since the graduation at Buffalo. I've been looking for a full time job but still no luck on that front, fortunately I did land a part-time thing with Target so for now I'm working early morning shifts like every other day. Basically its just unloading trucks and stocking shelves but hey at least it's $$ and it gets me out of the house. Besides that I've been contemplating going back to school for a master's degree. I've been looking at degree tracks at UAlbany and right now I'm leaning toward an MSIS degree. That's a Master of Science in Information Science degree, and I want to focus on Information Science and Technology.

Earlier in June I got to meet a few relatively famous YouTubers. They were Cory Williams of SMPfilms, Kate Elliott of Katers17, and Shaun Holton of Projected Twin. It was great meeting them after following their blogs for so long, and there were some interesting realizations like I had no idea that Kate was so short. Hmm, my brother brought home a PS3 and I've been spending time playing quite a few games: Batman-Arkham City, Prototype 2, Fifa 11', and most recently Call of Duty- World at War, and Call of Duty- Modern Warfare 3. I feel like I'm (very slowly) getting better... though I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Also I've slowly been trying to get back into life in Albany. Catching up with people and seeing what's changed. It still feels weird being home again indefinitely, this place really doesn't feel like home to me anymore.

Anyway that's everything that's been going on with me. Hopefully next month I'll take a short trip down to NYC to meet up with everyone again and catch up properly and see how everyone is doing since graduation. Then the first week of August I get to go on a cruise for the first time. And we are headed to the exotic land of CANADA. lol. It should be fun, hopefully I'll get to meet a whole bunch of new people as well. Then there's a wedding on the 18th I'm going to. Both these trips require me to be in the city so if I don't make it in July, I'll definitely be there in August.

Ttyl...

#052- Changes...

Yesterday I got to see my little brother get his degree from SUNY Buffalo. The drive down and back was ridiculous, the ceremony was packed and quite long, but the energy in the place was amazing. This summer will be the first time all of us will be back together under the same roof in a long while. I don't really know how to feel about it because although it's good to see my sibs, past experiences have shown that things work out better when we only see each other in small doses. Now that I've finally got a temp job, (which doesn't start til the 31st), I can focus even more on finding that first career job, I'm really hoping I find something because I can't stand being at home much longer. I've already gotten the talk about going back to school and improving on my resume, maybe even going for a masters. I know that's not for me though, I've had enough school for one lifetime and if I do go back I'll just suck at it more because my heart isn't in it.

What I need now is a chance, to prove myself. Something that will get me out the door and into the world. It feels like I've closed myself off from it these last few months anyway...

#051- Stranger...

It's been 5 months, and I still feel like a stranger in my own hometown. Went to tulip fest today, not only did I see almost no one I recognize, but I felt like I barely even knew the people I was with. Talking about people and things that had no relevance to me, I felt like the 5th wheel just being dragged along as a spare. I miss NYC/ LI, my friends, and being a part of a group that gets me.

In other news, I found a new rather low paying job here. I'm glad that I at least found something, but it sucks that I spent all that time at school only to get a part-time job at Target. I can't... This is not how I pictured post-grad life. 

#050- Life...

So it's been almost 3 months since I graduated from SBU. In that time I've lost my best friend at home, sent my resume to a bunch of employers as well as posted it up on 50-60 something websites, been passed over on 2 job opportunities, visited family in CT, started playing the Mega Man X collection, and am currently going insane with the lack of social interaction here at home. Mainly because I feel like I'm still in high school being in this house.

I just want to find a job, start working, meet some new people, and get my own place so I can live my life the way I want to. I feel stifled here at home and need some space.

#049- Idk...

Today was a very melancholy day for me i'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I was home alone all day and the house seemed too quiet. Maybe it's the fact that im turning 25 in two days that's got me down.