#063- Word vomit...

It's been over a year now since I graduated. I have been talking to people and while I know the economy sucks, taxes are rising, and the general trend seems to be finding a job about 18 months after graduation. I feel like I should have gotten something by now after earning an Engineering degree, or at least more offers/interviews than I have. I'm starting to feel more worthless by the day and even though I'm working a small part-time job. taking classes. etc I still feel stuck. It's a big catch-22 also since most places are like we need someone with more experience, and bear in mind this is for an ENTRY level position. Like whats the point of looking for recent graduates then? I know this sounds repetitive and blah blah blah but there it is.

So I made a checklist of things that I want to do by the year's end, no they are not resolutions, but I felt like having a to-do list would at least keep me focused on what needs to be done. I'll probably keep adding to it anyway.

So far what I have down is:

• Find a real job or at least an internship.
• Get my own car.
• Move out.
• Get better at the Guitar.
• Read at least 6 books if not more. (not including textbooks)

I thought about putting down something about losing weight (since I get so much s**t at home about it) but honestly I am ok with how I look at the moment. I actually weighed myself yesterday just for kicks and came out at 207.5 lbs. Although that may seem overweight to some people it's actually a lot better than what I used to be at school (roughly 220) and that's mainly due to the workout I get at my job. Also bear in mind I'm not trying to get lean or anything and I find just exercising pretty boring. I'd much rather get into a team sport like basketball, volleyball, etc. or maybe play some handball for old times sake.

What else is going on? Hmmm I got a 4.0 last semester which was pretty boss, and was placed on this thing called the president's list. It was only for 2 classes at the local community college (which felt ridiculously easy) but the recognition still felt nice. I'm taking 2 more this semester and will go for a repeat performance of course, but I hope that after this semester I won't have to do classes anymore.

Speaking of performances, choir has been going pretty well. I had a couple of solos the last 2 times we performed which was a pretty big deal to me since I haven't really had a solo since my voice changed like 7 or 8 years ago. For some reason though it felt like relearning how to sing for the first time. That whole stage fright feeling... I had some trouble dealing with it honestly, but my director helped me realized that I was over thinking too much about the performance and how people would react rather than focusing on the music itself. Just him pointing that out to me helped me out so much, probably more than he knows.

I feel like all the stress and negativity over the last few years just from school and the whole trying to break out into the real world and be an adult thing have changed me to a point where if I looked back at myself in the mirror 10 years ago I wouldn't recognize the face in the mirror. Once upon a time I used to be so much more energetic and happy and just full of life. I miss my old self and although I don't regret the time that's passed, the experiences I've had, or the amazing friends I've made, I wish I still had that more upbeat and positive attitude which probably came from a combination of youth and lots and lots of caffeine.