#067- Slump...

So this last weekend which was supposed to be pretty fun ended up being kinda shitty. I won't go into details here but my fam is a lot more fucked up than I realized. Then I lost some money at a casino which only added to how down I was. Finally I got hit with some news earlier this week that really upset me. Like seriously I hadn't felt pain like that in 3 years and it killed. I need to reevaluate my decisions and start taking steps toward making myself happy rather than pleasing everyone else, because it's come to the point where I would rather sit at home alone than go out and live life. And that is just no bueno...

#066- Self-Contemplation...

So in the last few weeks I've realized a few things about myself (relationship-wise):

- I really do have the worst timing in the world...

- Apparently, as told by a female friend of mine, I'm more desirable than I previously thought...

- I'm terrible at picking up hints...

- I need to stop chasing after who I think is "the one" and just let her come to me...

Maybe it's because valentine's day just passed but the whole idea of relationships, which I once thought were so complex, has become even more so...

At the same time though it is a bit of an ego-boost to know that I have a bit of an edge and some girls actually find me cute.

Maybe I need to pay more attention...

#065- Regrets...

You know what sucks?
-Losing touch with old friends from your past.

You know what sucks more?
-Losing touch with old friends from your past and then finding out about big events you either missed or are missing out on like weddings, anniversaries, receptions, etc.

High School was never a great time for me. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't terrible either, but when I wasn't in school I spent most of my time in my room. Having over-protective/over-bearing parents, I wasn't allowed to do most of things that most teens in the U.S. would go through. Joining sports teams, going out to parties, date, I didn't even go to my own prom. It wasn't really their fault, this is just what they knew, growing up in India I'm sure they were never exposed to any of that, and if they were then they were very good about keeping it from me.

So now here I am almost 10 years later... and honestly I would be fine right now if it weren't for things like social media. I'm still connected to all these people from high school, and hearing about people getting married and having kids and it makes me sad that I didn't make more of an effort to keep in touch. I hate that I was so sheltered as a teenager. I think that's probably why I resent being in this house still. While I'm grateful for the roof over my head it remind's me too much of high school and just a time in my life I would rather forget.

#064- Time...

A year older, another 100 friends on facebook, about 130 status' lighter for my birthday. Quality over quantity seems to be the current theme running through my mind. I think it may be time for me to pick and choose who to stay connected with. I guess it doesn't help that my twitter got hacked at some point and I somehow randomly picked up 100+ ppl that I was following. I just looked at my twitter feed one day and was like wtf... who are all these people. Had to change my password and all that and then go through and get rid of all those random ppl. Luckily I didn't lose the ppl I was actually following to begin with.


Yesterday had me thinking a lot about where I'm trying to go in my life and brought up a few past conversations. I've been told that I lack motivation, and while the idea pissed me off at first, after thinking about it for a bit I realized that for the most part it's true. I feel like my life would be content with a good job, living close to friends, and having a good woman on my arm... and maybe some kids. There's not really much more that I want than that. At the same time though it feels like my lack of motivation means there's something wrong with me, like at my age I should be trying to break through barriers and just do more than be average.


What do you think? Is average fine or should I be trying to do something more with my life?

#063- Word vomit...

It's been over a year now since I graduated. I have been talking to people and while I know the economy sucks, taxes are rising, and the general trend seems to be finding a job about 18 months after graduation. I feel like I should have gotten something by now after earning an Engineering degree, or at least more offers/interviews than I have. I'm starting to feel more worthless by the day and even though I'm working a small part-time job. taking classes. etc I still feel stuck. It's a big catch-22 also since most places are like we need someone with more experience, and bear in mind this is for an ENTRY level position. Like whats the point of looking for recent graduates then? I know this sounds repetitive and blah blah blah but there it is.

So I made a checklist of things that I want to do by the year's end, no they are not resolutions, but I felt like having a to-do list would at least keep me focused on what needs to be done. I'll probably keep adding to it anyway.

So far what I have down is:

• Find a real job or at least an internship.
• Get my own car.
• Move out.
• Get better at the Guitar.
• Read at least 6 books if not more. (not including textbooks)

I thought about putting down something about losing weight (since I get so much s**t at home about it) but honestly I am ok with how I look at the moment. I actually weighed myself yesterday just for kicks and came out at 207.5 lbs. Although that may seem overweight to some people it's actually a lot better than what I used to be at school (roughly 220) and that's mainly due to the workout I get at my job. Also bear in mind I'm not trying to get lean or anything and I find just exercising pretty boring. I'd much rather get into a team sport like basketball, volleyball, etc. or maybe play some handball for old times sake.

What else is going on? Hmmm I got a 4.0 last semester which was pretty boss, and was placed on this thing called the president's list. It was only for 2 classes at the local community college (which felt ridiculously easy) but the recognition still felt nice. I'm taking 2 more this semester and will go for a repeat performance of course, but I hope that after this semester I won't have to do classes anymore.

Speaking of performances, choir has been going pretty well. I had a couple of solos the last 2 times we performed which was a pretty big deal to me since I haven't really had a solo since my voice changed like 7 or 8 years ago. For some reason though it felt like relearning how to sing for the first time. That whole stage fright feeling... I had some trouble dealing with it honestly, but my director helped me realized that I was over thinking too much about the performance and how people would react rather than focusing on the music itself. Just him pointing that out to me helped me out so much, probably more than he knows.

I feel like all the stress and negativity over the last few years just from school and the whole trying to break out into the real world and be an adult thing have changed me to a point where if I looked back at myself in the mirror 10 years ago I wouldn't recognize the face in the mirror. Once upon a time I used to be so much more energetic and happy and just full of life. I miss my old self and although I don't regret the time that's passed, the experiences I've had, or the amazing friends I've made, I wish I still had that more upbeat and positive attitude which probably came from a combination of youth and lots and lots of caffeine.

#062- The new year...

Ok so barely a week into the new year and it's already been the worst week of my life. I don't even want to go into details or think about it... yeah it's that bad. Anyway I hope this isn't a foreshadowing of things to come because if it is then I really don't want to live on this planet anymore...

#061- What to do?

Today, less than an hour ago, my father said something that I don't think I'll ever forget. Among those things he called me useless... It's a terrible notion, feeling completely worthless to someone, but when it's someone who's supposed to always be there to encourage you...? What do you do with something like that? Honestly if I achieve nothing else in my life the one thing I will NEVER do is become like my father. And if I do end up making something of myself he better not have the gall to try and take credit for it, he forfeited that right less than an hour ago.