#052- Changes...

Yesterday I got to see my little brother get his degree from SUNY Buffalo. The drive down and back was ridiculous, the ceremony was packed and quite long, but the energy in the place was amazing. This summer will be the first time all of us will be back together under the same roof in a long while. I don't really know how to feel about it because although it's good to see my sibs, past experiences have shown that things work out better when we only see each other in small doses. Now that I've finally got a temp job, (which doesn't start til the 31st), I can focus even more on finding that first career job, I'm really hoping I find something because I can't stand being at home much longer. I've already gotten the talk about going back to school and improving on my resume, maybe even going for a masters. I know that's not for me though, I've had enough school for one lifetime and if I do go back I'll just suck at it more because my heart isn't in it.

What I need now is a chance, to prove myself. Something that will get me out the door and into the world. It feels like I've closed myself off from it these last few months anyway...

#051- Stranger...

It's been 5 months, and I still feel like a stranger in my own hometown. Went to tulip fest today, not only did I see almost no one I recognize, but I felt like I barely even knew the people I was with. Talking about people and things that had no relevance to me, I felt like the 5th wheel just being dragged along as a spare. I miss NYC/ LI, my friends, and being a part of a group that gets me.

In other news, I found a new rather low paying job here. I'm glad that I at least found something, but it sucks that I spent all that time at school only to get a part-time job at Target. I can't... This is not how I pictured post-grad life. 

#050- Life...

So it's been almost 3 months since I graduated from SBU. In that time I've lost my best friend at home, sent my resume to a bunch of employers as well as posted it up on 50-60 something websites, been passed over on 2 job opportunities, visited family in CT, started playing the Mega Man X collection, and am currently going insane with the lack of social interaction here at home. Mainly because I feel like I'm still in high school being in this house.

I just want to find a job, start working, meet some new people, and get my own place so I can live my life the way I want to. I feel stifled here at home and need some space.

#049- Idk...

Today was a very melancholy day for me i'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I was home alone all day and the house seemed too quiet. Maybe it's the fact that im turning 25 in two days that's got me down.

#048- Day's Gone By...

So I decided to write in this thing again. This piece is something I just put up on facebook so if you're reading this again. My bad.

I miss the days when Christmas was a big deal at my house. My bro, sis, and I getting excited to see family, especially all of our cousins and then getting to unwrap presents. Nowadays its just a Merry Christmas here and there followed by a lazy day of just lounging. I'm not complaining or anything, I already got what I wanted (or rather needed) for Christmas. Just reminiscing, ya know?

It's weird I wasn't even looking forward to Christmas. I was just at school working my butt off to finish everything before graduation and then before I knew it, Christmas was here. It was like I could've sworn yesterday was November something or other. Does this mean I'm finally becoming an adult?

Also while I have you here reading this, if you haven't figured it out by the crazy number of status updates I had over the past week or two. I finally finished my College Undergrad Career with a BE in Electrical Engineering. I know it took me forever and there were soo many ups and downs that I wasn't sure if I would even make it.

I want to say thank you to everyone individually but I know if I tried I would miss someone. There have just been so many people who have helped me through my time at SBU. So plz don't be mad if I don't shout you out individually.

Mom and Dad- First off just because they never gave up on me even at times when I gave up on myself.

My brother- For pissing me off but also for making me understand how stupid it would have been to quit.

My sister- For making me realize just how much my actions not only affect myself but everyone around me as well.

Ins- For understanding exactly where I was coming from and always knowing just what to say to cheer me up/help me out when times were tough.

Team Awesome- For all their support, the good times, the laughs, for giving me something to do besides work to keep me sane.

Dean- For your intellectual perspective, crazy antics, and competitive nature.

Felix- For your constant debating, fun-loving disposition, and willingness to go out and do something rather than just sit around all the time.

Bharg- For being the (other) voice of reason in our crazy group and for all the academic advice.

Cindy- For your cheesyness, your ability to get everyone together, your mastery at the art of bumming, and for always trying to include everyone in everything.

Nick- For your advice, your humanitarian side, and your mastery of the art of trolling.

Adrian- For your love of music and for caring for just about everyone.

Anielisa- For all the advice you've given me and just for listening.

Sebastien- For being there just to kick back with and just talk every now and then, I'll miss those times.

Kenneth- For being an amazing roommate and pretty much my best friend while we were on campus.

You guys had the most influence on my time at SBU and made it that much more memorable. I'll never forget all the great times I had while there. RSP, RHA, Stony Brook Chorus, I-Con, Humans Vs. Zombies, Irving Hall Council, Irving Haunted House, Roth Regatta (EVERY YEAR), Midnight Breakfasts, the amazing concerts, Strawberry Fest. Earthstock, Wolfstock, Homecoming (even way back when they had actual floats), Zombie Prom, Masquerade Ball, Dance-a-thon, Insanity nights, Cardio Party-o, Whose Line, Movie Nights, Condom Casino, stogies on the Pier, midnight runs to bagels for a booyah or mcdonalds, the se-port deli GASM, trips to Port Jeff, the parties, the Library Raves, the famous fire alarm incident, midnight runs to kelly, dinners at Benedict, fun times at the union, wandering around campus, the bamboo forest, the midnight train, our summer adventures, Dunkin Donuts runs, SEVS, Battle of UGC, man the list just goes on and on.

I'm really gonna miss these times but even more so I'm really going to miss seeing all you guys. Know that I love you all and that I wish you guys all the best and that we all stay in touch as much as possible.

Happy Holidays!

from "the brown one", "the sage", "The Punisher", "The Beast", " Jimbo", etc,

Jim

#047- Contemplating

Literally just thinking about my life at the moment or at least the people in it. I see all my friends graduating and moving on with their lives, and I wonder what I did to get stuck at this point. I see people connecting, making bonds, sharing inside jokes, and I find myself wanting a connection like that. Maybe I'm too impersonal, maybe I'm just a freak, I feel like getting close to anyone now is improbable.


Maybe I'm broken?

#046- Change

Change is a scary thing and if you don't keep up-to-date with what's going on in the world around you it can take you by surprise. That's what I'm feeling at the moment and what compelled me to write. Take the Casey Anthony case that was ruled upon earlier this week. I had no idea that the trial was going on for something like 6 weeks beforehand let alone the investigation itself which lasted 3 years and then all of a sudden I hear about a verdict and immediately afterward my facebook news feed blows up with people commenting about what a bullshit conclusion to the case it was.

One comment really struck me as odd though and what was even more shocking was it was from a friend who I previously served jury duty with a few years back. She was talking about how she was a juror for a murder trial and how she was all appalled at the verdict that was made and that just didn't sit right with me for a few reasons. First off it felt like she forgot the idea of
"innocent until proven guilty" and let her emotions get in the way of her, rather trivial, judgement. Secondly, I may have not followed this murder trial all that closely, but I doubt that all of the evidence presented to the courtroom would become subject to the public, so how can she even judge on a trial based on the circumstantial evidence provided by the news. I feel that it was definitely biased against Casey Anthony and without a clear picture and all the evidence laid out in front of you there is no possible way of making an accurate judgement.

Thirdly, i seem to remember being a juror on that same murder trial as her and there's no way she can compare the two. The one we served on was the trial of a minor who had since then passed the age limit and given the degree of his offense, tried as an adult. Also the case was about, what ended up being charged as, a second degree murder whereas the Casey Anthony trial was about whether or not it was a first degree murder. The degree of severity between the two is vast and should not be taken lightly. So ma'am, regardless of your past experience in murder trials there is no reason to believe that you are now an expert in the field. Every incident is different making every case different and cannot be lumped into one general field.

Glad I got that rant out, but this post is about change not the judicial system. Like I said it can sneak up and surprise you, sometimes even in your own home. I feel like I am VERY out of touch with my own family as of late. I don't really talk to my siblings as much as I like or should. My sister I'll call every now and then whenever she's home. But whenever all of us are away for school I just don't bother making contact. To be fair, neither do they but I don't hold that against them. Honestly I haven't talked to my brother since January when we were home for winter break, haven't seen him since because he left for summer classes before I got home.

I do feel bad about it... I really do. But we just don't really have a lot in common anymore and now that we are not forced to be together it just doesn't happen. But they still are my siblings and I do love them. Anyway as a result of the lack of communication I don't know what's going on in their worlds anymore. My brother is out doing his own thing at Buffalo and apparently pushing himself to do well while having a little fun along the way (I'm speculating). As for my sister gone are the days of this little girl who would follow us around with her short boycut. She's now grown into a smart, conscientious, and eloquent young woman and her insight into so many different interests and issues is astounding. Although all of this is from what I read of her blog, she would never tell me any of this in person and will probably change her username again if she reads this post. I always knew she would be the smart one out of all of us and here she is proving it.

In my extended family as well I don't seem to be keeping up with all the rumors going around. I feel disconnected and more alone when I'm with my family than when I am out at school and with my friends.

Like I said in the very beginning, change is a scary thing, but I feel that it's something I need to start doing in order to become a better person and get that sense of family back.