#073- Not all who are lost, wander...

So it's been quite a while since I've written anything down here. My life isn't really all that interesting to me so I don't get inspired to write about it too often and then when I do it's usually negative. But here goes anyway.

I've been consumed by a constant schedule/rhythm for most of this summer: Work, shower/sleep (in either order), look for jobs, nap, work. With the back to college season coming up my shift went from 4-9a to 2-7a in order to accommodate for the extra time needed to unload and stock all the extra merch. Then on top of that I would be asked to stay after shift for extra hours in order to help finish whatever we couldn't get through during the normal shift. This helped me get to nearly 40 hours every week for the last month or so and my bank account was very happy for that although it's cost me most of my summer vacation. I wish I had taken the time to go to NYC and visit friends and family. The only other thing of note that I've done was head up to Wisconsin for a weekend for a baptism. I became a godfather to my cousin's 2nd daughter, Tessa.

Still it could be worse, I'm at home with family, a roof over my head, food, clothes, and at least have a job (which is better than a lot of people could say at the moment). At the same time though I get more and more depressed as time goes on and my peers keep moving on with their lives. I feel like something is wrong with me and I'm stuck with no idea where to go. Lately I've been going through the motions to take a full semesters worth of comp sci classes at the local community college and then applying for the Comp Sci MS program at UAlbany for the spring. Meanwhile my sibs are both starting pharmacy school this fall. 

I wonder where our lives will end up in the future...

#072- Broken home...

I know I keep saying my family is broken and don't elaborate, but it is somewhat of a sensitive and private matter. I don't really want to get into detail here but I'm tired of fighting tooth and nail with my parents over things that should be simple matters, I partly blame my father's pessimistic outlook on basically all of humanity, for the dark side of my personality. There is no real love in this house anymore, there hasn't been for a long time now. I'm really hoping my siblings get out as early as possible. I feel like a poor monetary investment more than a person at the moment.

#071- Fucked...

Well I feel like shit now. In the last 2 weeks I managed to lose two of the greatest people in my life due to stupid decisions and poor words and right now I feel so much more lost than usual. The worst part of it all is knowing that it was totally 100% my fault and that I can't travel back in time to stop myself from being such an asshole. I have no idea what to do now... 

#070- Stuck...

I don't know what's wrong/ going on. It's almost been 18 months since graduation and I still haven't gotten a decent full-time job to start my career, not even an internship or low-level job to work up from. I've barely even gotten any interviews... Maybe it's something I've been doing wrong? Maybe I'm not selling myself or my talents correctly? Idk. Something needs to change and soon, and today I'm going to start with my resume. If anyone has any tips or advice for me now would be a great time for them. Here's to hoping for a better future.

In other news, choir season is winding down for the summer. It felt good getting back into singing again for real after going so long without it. Idk how long I'll keep up with it but it's good to know that the choir will be there for me. I've been contemplating on going back to school for real and getting a masters degree in something (probably comp sci). I know I mentioned it a few posts ago but I thought I'd elaborate on it a little more. So like I said before idk if ill be able to get in to do a masters directly. I'd like to but the way my transcript is I don't think it's possible. If that doesn't work out I would think my next course of action would be to apply as an undergrad transfer student and then hopefully get into the combined b.s/m.s degree. Then hopefully only have to take the major's core classes and electives and skip all the general education stuff since i already went through that. I figure if I can do that then I'd be done in 2 1/2 or 3 years. Still not sure if it can even be done though... I guess now I have to go to the school and talk to the advisors to see. Ideally though I'd rather just start working and not have to worry about even MORE school. Ugh...

#069- Chewed out...

Just got a stern talking to from my father about where I'm headed. It's been over a year now and I still haven't gotten my career started. This all came about with my brother and sister heading to interviews for pharmacy school. I feel stuck, on the one hand I don't think I can even apply for a master's in anything I want, but on the other I cant find a job with my bachelor's degree. What the hell am I going to do???

#068- Happy Easter?

You ever have that one friend that when you go out they always manage to drink waaaay too much and then proceed to embarrass both you and themselves? For me that's my dad. He just can't seem to say enough when it comes to the liquor and I'm really getting fucking sick of it. What's worse is my mom is usually the one who has to deal with his bullshit and drag his ass back home.  Today it was at an Easter Dinner. Way to ruin another family holiday dad...

*Edit* This blog is such a downer I didn't even mention all the positive stuff that happened. I sang with the choir in the cathedral all through holy week. I received a bottle of merlot as a gift. After the service on sunday a smaller section of the choir (myself included) went to visit a former bishop who was recovering in Albany Med. We sang the music we did earlier that morning since he was unable to attend mass during all of holy week. Definitely made his day and made for some emotional moments. Later got to see some family and have some of my aunts amazing baked chicken.

#067- Slump...

So this last weekend which was supposed to be pretty fun ended up being kinda shitty. I won't go into details here but my fam is a lot more fucked up than I realized. Then I lost some money at a casino which only added to how down I was. Finally I got hit with some news earlier this week that really upset me. Like seriously I hadn't felt pain like that in 3 years and it killed. I need to reevaluate my decisions and start taking steps toward making myself happy rather than pleasing everyone else, because it's come to the point where I would rather sit at home alone than go out and live life. And that is just no bueno...