#055- Agh...

I swear I am such a f*****g idiot! Why the hell do I try and play therapist/advice columnist for everyone even when it starts to kill me inside a little. I don't know why I put myself in these situations...

/rant

#054- Ugh my head hurts.

Today has been a very trying day. My dad just exploded over money issues and how my brother and I should be out of the house and on our own supporting him and mom by now. I'm starting to get stressed out because as each day comes and goes his argument behind this line of thinking grows (or seems to grow) more valid. It's been 7 months since graduation and I've yet to get a full-time position based on my degree and education... I know it's taken some people longer to start their life and that I am still young but every day I feel more and more like a failure and when I'm not applying for jobs or studying for the GRE, I'm watching videos, listening to music, playing games and just focusing on anything else so I don't break down from this trapped feeling I have here. I just want a REAL job so my life can start and I don't have to deal with this pressure from home anymore.

It doesn't help that my brother has just recently fallen into the same boat but what's even worse is that he is just as argumentative and stubborn as my father. Neither one can end an argument without either being right and proving it 50+ times afterward or having to be proven wrong the same # if not more times and (with my brother at least) turning the situation around so that somehow, someway, you end up feeling completely stupid and humiliated for even thinking you could open your mouth to argue a point with him. There's no talking to those two because their stubbornness is tantamount to a brick wall.

My family feels broken...

#053- Summer 2012 Update 1

Hey y'all... Nope I can't pull the word y'all off, it just doesn't feel right to me. Anyway hey guys, this is just an update on whats been going on since the graduation at Buffalo. I've been looking for a full time job but still no luck on that front, fortunately I did land a part-time thing with Target so for now I'm working early morning shifts like every other day. Basically its just unloading trucks and stocking shelves but hey at least it's $$ and it gets me out of the house. Besides that I've been contemplating going back to school for a master's degree. I've been looking at degree tracks at UAlbany and right now I'm leaning toward an MSIS degree. That's a Master of Science in Information Science degree, and I want to focus on Information Science and Technology.

Earlier in June I got to meet a few relatively famous YouTubers. They were Cory Williams of SMPfilms, Kate Elliott of Katers17, and Shaun Holton of Projected Twin. It was great meeting them after following their blogs for so long, and there were some interesting realizations like I had no idea that Kate was so short. Hmm, my brother brought home a PS3 and I've been spending time playing quite a few games: Batman-Arkham City, Prototype 2, Fifa 11', and most recently Call of Duty- World at War, and Call of Duty- Modern Warfare 3. I feel like I'm (very slowly) getting better... though I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Also I've slowly been trying to get back into life in Albany. Catching up with people and seeing what's changed. It still feels weird being home again indefinitely, this place really doesn't feel like home to me anymore.

Anyway that's everything that's been going on with me. Hopefully next month I'll take a short trip down to NYC to meet up with everyone again and catch up properly and see how everyone is doing since graduation. Then the first week of August I get to go on a cruise for the first time. And we are headed to the exotic land of CANADA. lol. It should be fun, hopefully I'll get to meet a whole bunch of new people as well. Then there's a wedding on the 18th I'm going to. Both these trips require me to be in the city so if I don't make it in July, I'll definitely be there in August.

Ttyl...

#052- Changes...

Yesterday I got to see my little brother get his degree from SUNY Buffalo. The drive down and back was ridiculous, the ceremony was packed and quite long, but the energy in the place was amazing. This summer will be the first time all of us will be back together under the same roof in a long while. I don't really know how to feel about it because although it's good to see my sibs, past experiences have shown that things work out better when we only see each other in small doses. Now that I've finally got a temp job, (which doesn't start til the 31st), I can focus even more on finding that first career job, I'm really hoping I find something because I can't stand being at home much longer. I've already gotten the talk about going back to school and improving on my resume, maybe even going for a masters. I know that's not for me though, I've had enough school for one lifetime and if I do go back I'll just suck at it more because my heart isn't in it.

What I need now is a chance, to prove myself. Something that will get me out the door and into the world. It feels like I've closed myself off from it these last few months anyway...

#051- Stranger...

It's been 5 months, and I still feel like a stranger in my own hometown. Went to tulip fest today, not only did I see almost no one I recognize, but I felt like I barely even knew the people I was with. Talking about people and things that had no relevance to me, I felt like the 5th wheel just being dragged along as a spare. I miss NYC/ LI, my friends, and being a part of a group that gets me.

In other news, I found a new rather low paying job here. I'm glad that I at least found something, but it sucks that I spent all that time at school only to get a part-time job at Target. I can't... This is not how I pictured post-grad life. 

#050- Life...

So it's been almost 3 months since I graduated from SBU. In that time I've lost my best friend at home, sent my resume to a bunch of employers as well as posted it up on 50-60 something websites, been passed over on 2 job opportunities, visited family in CT, started playing the Mega Man X collection, and am currently going insane with the lack of social interaction here at home. Mainly because I feel like I'm still in high school being in this house.

I just want to find a job, start working, meet some new people, and get my own place so I can live my life the way I want to. I feel stifled here at home and need some space.

#049- Idk...

Today was a very melancholy day for me i'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I was home alone all day and the house seemed too quiet. Maybe it's the fact that im turning 25 in two days that's got me down.