#049- Idk...

Today was a very melancholy day for me i'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I was home alone all day and the house seemed too quiet. Maybe it's the fact that im turning 25 in two days that's got me down.

#048- Day's Gone By...

So I decided to write in this thing again. This piece is something I just put up on facebook so if you're reading this again. My bad.

I miss the days when Christmas was a big deal at my house. My bro, sis, and I getting excited to see family, especially all of our cousins and then getting to unwrap presents. Nowadays its just a Merry Christmas here and there followed by a lazy day of just lounging. I'm not complaining or anything, I already got what I wanted (or rather needed) for Christmas. Just reminiscing, ya know?

It's weird I wasn't even looking forward to Christmas. I was just at school working my butt off to finish everything before graduation and then before I knew it, Christmas was here. It was like I could've sworn yesterday was November something or other. Does this mean I'm finally becoming an adult?

Also while I have you here reading this, if you haven't figured it out by the crazy number of status updates I had over the past week or two. I finally finished my College Undergrad Career with a BE in Electrical Engineering. I know it took me forever and there were soo many ups and downs that I wasn't sure if I would even make it.

I want to say thank you to everyone individually but I know if I tried I would miss someone. There have just been so many people who have helped me through my time at SBU. So plz don't be mad if I don't shout you out individually.

Mom and Dad- First off just because they never gave up on me even at times when I gave up on myself.

My brother- For pissing me off but also for making me understand how stupid it would have been to quit.

My sister- For making me realize just how much my actions not only affect myself but everyone around me as well.

Ins- For understanding exactly where I was coming from and always knowing just what to say to cheer me up/help me out when times were tough.

Team Awesome- For all their support, the good times, the laughs, for giving me something to do besides work to keep me sane.

Dean- For your intellectual perspective, crazy antics, and competitive nature.

Felix- For your constant debating, fun-loving disposition, and willingness to go out and do something rather than just sit around all the time.

Bharg- For being the (other) voice of reason in our crazy group and for all the academic advice.

Cindy- For your cheesyness, your ability to get everyone together, your mastery at the art of bumming, and for always trying to include everyone in everything.

Nick- For your advice, your humanitarian side, and your mastery of the art of trolling.

Adrian- For your love of music and for caring for just about everyone.

Anielisa- For all the advice you've given me and just for listening.

Sebastien- For being there just to kick back with and just talk every now and then, I'll miss those times.

Kenneth- For being an amazing roommate and pretty much my best friend while we were on campus.

You guys had the most influence on my time at SBU and made it that much more memorable. I'll never forget all the great times I had while there. RSP, RHA, Stony Brook Chorus, I-Con, Humans Vs. Zombies, Irving Hall Council, Irving Haunted House, Roth Regatta (EVERY YEAR), Midnight Breakfasts, the amazing concerts, Strawberry Fest. Earthstock, Wolfstock, Homecoming (even way back when they had actual floats), Zombie Prom, Masquerade Ball, Dance-a-thon, Insanity nights, Cardio Party-o, Whose Line, Movie Nights, Condom Casino, stogies on the Pier, midnight runs to bagels for a booyah or mcdonalds, the se-port deli GASM, trips to Port Jeff, the parties, the Library Raves, the famous fire alarm incident, midnight runs to kelly, dinners at Benedict, fun times at the union, wandering around campus, the bamboo forest, the midnight train, our summer adventures, Dunkin Donuts runs, SEVS, Battle of UGC, man the list just goes on and on.

I'm really gonna miss these times but even more so I'm really going to miss seeing all you guys. Know that I love you all and that I wish you guys all the best and that we all stay in touch as much as possible.

Happy Holidays!

from "the brown one", "the sage", "The Punisher", "The Beast", " Jimbo", etc,

Jim

#047- Contemplating

Literally just thinking about my life at the moment or at least the people in it. I see all my friends graduating and moving on with their lives, and I wonder what I did to get stuck at this point. I see people connecting, making bonds, sharing inside jokes, and I find myself wanting a connection like that. Maybe I'm too impersonal, maybe I'm just a freak, I feel like getting close to anyone now is improbable.


Maybe I'm broken?

#046- Change

Change is a scary thing and if you don't keep up-to-date with what's going on in the world around you it can take you by surprise. That's what I'm feeling at the moment and what compelled me to write. Take the Casey Anthony case that was ruled upon earlier this week. I had no idea that the trial was going on for something like 6 weeks beforehand let alone the investigation itself which lasted 3 years and then all of a sudden I hear about a verdict and immediately afterward my facebook news feed blows up with people commenting about what a bullshit conclusion to the case it was.

One comment really struck me as odd though and what was even more shocking was it was from a friend who I previously served jury duty with a few years back. She was talking about how she was a juror for a murder trial and how she was all appalled at the verdict that was made and that just didn't sit right with me for a few reasons. First off it felt like she forgot the idea of
"innocent until proven guilty" and let her emotions get in the way of her, rather trivial, judgement. Secondly, I may have not followed this murder trial all that closely, but I doubt that all of the evidence presented to the courtroom would become subject to the public, so how can she even judge on a trial based on the circumstantial evidence provided by the news. I feel that it was definitely biased against Casey Anthony and without a clear picture and all the evidence laid out in front of you there is no possible way of making an accurate judgement.

Thirdly, i seem to remember being a juror on that same murder trial as her and there's no way she can compare the two. The one we served on was the trial of a minor who had since then passed the age limit and given the degree of his offense, tried as an adult. Also the case was about, what ended up being charged as, a second degree murder whereas the Casey Anthony trial was about whether or not it was a first degree murder. The degree of severity between the two is vast and should not be taken lightly. So ma'am, regardless of your past experience in murder trials there is no reason to believe that you are now an expert in the field. Every incident is different making every case different and cannot be lumped into one general field.

Glad I got that rant out, but this post is about change not the judicial system. Like I said it can sneak up and surprise you, sometimes even in your own home. I feel like I am VERY out of touch with my own family as of late. I don't really talk to my siblings as much as I like or should. My sister I'll call every now and then whenever she's home. But whenever all of us are away for school I just don't bother making contact. To be fair, neither do they but I don't hold that against them. Honestly I haven't talked to my brother since January when we were home for winter break, haven't seen him since because he left for summer classes before I got home.

I do feel bad about it... I really do. But we just don't really have a lot in common anymore and now that we are not forced to be together it just doesn't happen. But they still are my siblings and I do love them. Anyway as a result of the lack of communication I don't know what's going on in their worlds anymore. My brother is out doing his own thing at Buffalo and apparently pushing himself to do well while having a little fun along the way (I'm speculating). As for my sister gone are the days of this little girl who would follow us around with her short boycut. She's now grown into a smart, conscientious, and eloquent young woman and her insight into so many different interests and issues is astounding. Although all of this is from what I read of her blog, she would never tell me any of this in person and will probably change her username again if she reads this post. I always knew she would be the smart one out of all of us and here she is proving it.

In my extended family as well I don't seem to be keeping up with all the rumors going around. I feel disconnected and more alone when I'm with my family than when I am out at school and with my friends.

Like I said in the very beginning, change is a scary thing, but I feel that it's something I need to start doing in order to become a better person and get that sense of family back.

#045- Things running through my head.

This blog will probably be cryptic to anyone who reads it but I just felt I needed to write these messages out somewhere.

D- I feel like all I am is a waste of your time whenever I'm around you. Like if you're nearby and I'm not working on something I'm automatically doing something wrong. You've never once told me you were proud of me. All I ever hear from you anymore are things like "You know nothing" and "Use some common sense". Everytime I'm around you I feel incompetent and I'm sick of it. I'm genuinely more happy when you are ignoring me and praising the others. I'm done trying to win your approval.

P- You seemed nice at first if not a little bit bitchy but I wrote it off as some character quirk of yours. Everyone who had known you better than I had told me to be wary and that you weren't someone to be trusted but I dismissed that as well preferring to find out on my own. We talked and confided in each other and things were ok for the most part, then when I make 1 mistake (granted it was a rather large one) you were gone for months, then when I happen to show up to your event while supporting my friends it's all smiles again. Since then we don't seem to talk at all.

To me it feels like you're just a fairweather friend who only deems me worth talking to if it furthers her own interests in the end. I'm pissed that it took me so long to realize it, I'm just too trusting i guess. Whatever, I'm done with you and your favors, go find someone else to manipulate.

C- If I could only rewind the last year and a half or so back there are so many things I would have done differently. I'm glad I at least got to meet and get to know you a little bit before I screwed everything up. You are a smart, conscientious, and beautiful young woman and deserve someone better than an idiot like me.

I- Thing's just never seem to fall in place at the right time do they? You are probably the one person who knows the most about the real me. I am amazed that after all the things I've told you, the good and the bad, that you've still accepted me, faults and all. I've always appreciated our conversations and your sage advice. I honestly don't know what I would have done without you to talk to these last several years. I find myself thinking about you more often than not these days, probably because you'll be leaving soon. If you do see this, know that i'll miss you terribly but I'll be praying that you have fun, stay safe, and become extremely successful in the near future. Who knows maybe someday things will actually fall into place for the both of us?

#044- Something that pisses me off...

Hypocriticism

For those of you who don't know hypocriticism is: criticism by somebody (a hypocrite) who criticizes another but does the same as the person they are criticizing.

I feel like I get this shit all the time at home. Here are just a few examples.

1.) What they say: "Don't follow what anyone else is doing. You stick to your own path and don't mind what others are doing."

What really happens: "Oh she did this, this, and that and blah, blah, blah. Her parents are so proud, why can't you be more like her?"

2.) What they say: "Don't drink, don't smoke, and don't be social because in the end no one other than family will care."

What really happens: Smoking on the porch, getting piss drunk at family gatherings, and (more often than not) trying to be social while drunk only to end up getting into an argument and storming off to do some self destructive shit.

I am so fucking sick and tired of this "do as I say not as I do" bullshit. Don't lecture me on how those vices are bad for me or how much of a retard I am in comparison to the rest of the world because, unless it's genuine advice that you are going to follow yourself, I'm not listening to that bullshit.

#043- Take the good with the bad...

The bad:

So I've been on run of bad luck for the last few days. Yesterday Dad has a mini fit over the windshield, which I took to have repaired already, because he still sees the very minor crack that was made (from the inside of the car) even though it was sealed from the outside. Then he basically ranted for like 20 minutes with his point being that I'm lazy and because of it I'm a complete fuck up. At least that's what it sounded like to me. Then today when i go do my laundry, not only does the dryer not work but it shocks me as well. I tell my dad this and I see "the look" basically saying... ok what did you do this time. Like it was my fucking fault the dryer decided to stop working...

The good:

Right now I'm just looking forward to the little reunion tomorrow because I get to see most of my cousins. The I get to leave and move all my stuff to a new place or to storage for a bit. And then a week later is summer session where I don't have to be at home for 6 weeks.

The title was inspired by the movie: A Knight's Tale which I just watched.

I've come to the conclusion that I've got to get out of here after graduation. I love my family but honestly i need some space from them now.